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I'm 71 years old and allowed myself to be abuised for over 20years out of a 36 year marriage. I lost my daughters and grandchildren because of my actions. I've got no one I'm totally alone. I found out that my husband was a drug addict to prescriptions and was a thief and a liar who manipulated everyone around him he was a good guy. I was to busy working raising a family and continued to let this man use me because I loved him. I just realized love shouldn't hurt. He's left our home for years at a time, I've never gone with any one else. I've been raped strangled beaten bruised bloodied ,used money and antiques stolen etc. . I allowed myself to be used over and over why I don't know still don't I thought I loved him because we had a special bond . I was kidding myself and it hurts more than you know. I tried to end my life to get rid of the pain of abuise and failed years ago. Couldn't live with the pain of losing my family. . I'm so alone sitting in a house wasting away waiting to die someday someone will notice by my mail or my dog. What a shame I was a beautiful strong loving wife and mother grandmother to be left this way to die alone and broken because I was abuised I blame , my children for not protecting me,, the courts most of all I blame myself for loving a man and not loving myself more. I need help and I still do.

I look back and am plagued by doubt. It’s less now but still it creeps in - did it happen? Was I too sensitive? Maybe I made too much of it? Have I remembered it wrong? What I know to be true is how I felt and continue to feel when he is mentioned or I see him. FEAR. It’s been 2 years and I still think about if he will like what I am wearing or will have a comment to make. I question my reality - ‘did that happen? Did I say that?’ In lost interactions with him. I met him on line 14 years ago. Things moved quickly, ish. I didn’t see it then but looking back he was ALWAYS there. He gave his friend keys to my flat and I arrived home with it tidied and reorganized. He thought I was messy and that it was a nice thing to do. I felt utterly overwhelmed and very uncomfortable with this but stayed and thanked him as I was left feeling ungrateful. Interestingly I didn’t introduce him to my friends - in fact I kept him quite separate. I think I knew that I didn’t want them to meet him as something was off and they would probably see it and point it out. Or maybe o was afraid that they wouldn’t see it and wouldn’t point it out so it would make me feel even crazier. He didn’t like how I breathed in his direction in bed. He didn’t like how I fiddled with things. (These all felt ok to change for him……. I really had no self love and held myself with very little worth). The first physical element to the abuse (which I can now name as such) was a confusing incident at the time. He was napping and I woke him and he grabbed me by the throat. I was so shocked and I wanted to run a mile but ended up being told that it was my fault as I woke him too quickly. I was brainwashed already (3 months in). I was hard wired for this though as I had be taught not to trust my instincts - how dangerous this was. I stayed for 12 years, 2 children and gradually faded away. I dreamed of leaving, I said I would over and over and I nearly did once but it took so much courage to do it. I was terrified of the financial implications. I was isolated. I was exhausted. And I did it. He would have ‘waking dreams’ during which he would scream at me, push me, throw things, terrify me but would not remember them in the morning or want to talk about them. He would say ‘ well it wasn’t me, I was asleep’. I went to bed in fear most nights. There were never any bruises you could see but so much had been pulverized internally for me. I was on life support. This is part of my story . A start. It continues as he is in my life as our kids are young. The emotional and psychological abuse continues but I am doing the work to reposition myself. I am taking responsibility for my part in my journey and this is both empowering and exhausting. This abuse is very misunderstood- it is dangerous and invisible. I am learning to believe myself and look to myself for validation and answers. With love

For years, I lived through something no one should ever have to go through. It started when I was young, and the person who hurt me was someone I was supposed to trust, my stepfather. He was supposed to protect me, but instead, he took advantage of me in the worst way. Growing up, I thought my stepfather was someone I could trust. He was supposed to be part of my family, someone who would keep me safe. But instead, he became the person who hurt me the most. The abuse started when I was just a little girl, too young to understand what was happening. It began with small things, touches that felt wrong, words that made me uncomfortable. But over time, it became something much worse. It happened mostly at night, when everyone else was asleep. I’d wake up to the sound of the door creaking open, and my heart would start racing. I’d pretend to be asleep, hoping he would leave, but he never did. He would sit on the edge of my bed, and I could feel his weight pressing down on me. I would lie there, frozen, too scared to move or say anything. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to make it stop. I just wanted it to be over. Sometimes, he would wait until my mom was at work or when she traveled. Those were the worst times because I knew no one was coming to save me. I would hear his footsteps in the hallway, and my stomach would twist into knots. I would try to hide, to make myself small, but it didn’t matter. He always found me. He would come into my room, and I would feel so helpless, so alone. I wanted to scream, to run away, but I was too scared. I didn’t know what would happen if I tried to stop him. I hated myself for not being able to fight back. I hated myself for not being brave enough to tell someone. But I was just a kid. I didn’t know how to protect myself. I didn’t know how to make it stop. I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. The worst part was the silence. I couldn’t tell my mom. I was too scared of what would happen if I did. What if she didn’t believe me? What if she blamed me? What if it made things worse? I didn’t want to hurt her, and I didn’t want to tear our family apart. So I kept it all inside. I carried the weight of my secret every day, and it felt like I was drowning. The pain and shame were too much to carry. All I thought about was committing suicide just to end it all, so that I wouldn’t feel the weight of what was happening to me. I felt dirty, broken, and like I didn’t deserve to live. I thought if I was gone, the pain would stop, and maybe everyone else would be better off without me. But somehow, I kept going. I don’t know how, but I did. I found little things to hold onto—a friend, a book, a song, anything that made me feel even a tiny bit okay. It took years, but I finally told someone what happened. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was also the first step toward healing. I’m still healing now. Some days are better than others. I still have nightmares, and I still struggle with trusting people. But I’m learning to be kind to myself, to remind myself that what happened wasn’t my fault. I didn’t deserve it, and I’m not defined by it. If you’ve been through something like this, please know you’re not alone. It’s not your fault, and you deserve to be heard and supported. Healing is possible, even when it feels like it’s not. You are stronger than you think, and your story isn’t over yet. You don’t have to carry this weight alone anymore. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to let someone in. You are not broken, and you are not defined by what happened to you. You are so much more than that.

My life should have been a life of happiness and peace, but oooh how the tables turned. I was an easy going, fun loving, creative, individual who has talents beyond my time. For the most part my life was lived as a typical middle class, every day average Jane. Who had dreams that were all reachable. It started at the age 25, where I met a handsome man that in my eyes was every woman's dream. But ooh my, my I didn't know this was the beginning of a very harsh reality check and the beginning of major changes in my life. We had a quick and fast romance story, fell in love, out of love an in love again. He was my rock and I was his motivating force, until he changed totally on me and became a habitual cheater. His cheating lasted for many years and he eventually met a faith that he too thought, he was untouchable. But being who he was and how care-free he was in his cheating activities, this faith wouldn't have passed him. The sudden faith that landed him to contact a std, to which no one ever wants. But I on the other hand was living my dream of having a husband and kids, with taking care of all their needs an leaving myself undone. Yes you may have an idea so far where this story is going, but I didn't know I would become a victim to my husband. He had the most perfect plan with the cruelest intention. Lets go back a little, yes I was acting like a wife but I was just living in a common- law situation. To which his plans was perfectly executed, he knew, I had little knowledge about his "outside activities " and my greatest desire at the time was to be his wife. And that was his perfect plan to get me, he would avoid being in d same home, or country with me. Often repeatedly saying he's coming on our wedding day, in which I would smile and think nothing of it. I took us roughly 1 week to organize everything, too have a quick and fast wedding. Me not knowing that in my tries of joy there would be sadness on d corner. I got married..had a beautiful harmonious day, fun after fun. Till one day I began feel strange and had to be taken to the doctor, in which multiple test was done. Everything came out ok, but this one result hit me on my chest hard, as if I was out in the rain being hit on my chest repeatedly. I sat in that room alone to my right nothing or no one and to the left nothing or no one, the doctor that stood in front of me became invisible. But my husband was gone again, back to keep away from home and the country of which we stayed. Every little piece of his actions from the most biggest to the smallest came flooding in my head as one slide to the next and it all became clear. I ran out of the room in tears to hide and called him, as he heard me he began to cry and repeatedly say sorry, sorry, sorry. But this man wasn't totally sorry he told me he's going to book a flight an he would be on his way. He came, he hold me, I asked questions he answered, but my biggest shock was when I heard these words, "I didn't want to lose you". His logic for making me his victim was justified with not losing me, my life was weighted on not losing me. The deed was done and I became the walk over troll, I felt as a prisoner in head, life, body and to him. The cheating continued, I tried to protect others,but he would make me seem to be bitter and a liar. I had became a victim to multi forms of abuse, he made a baby outside of the marriage an my kids became as nothing to him as I was. I got verbally abused by his newly baby mother and often called a liar when I tried to warn her, but in all I served.

Hello I’m a victim of csa my name is Name my nickname is mj I got the nickname of a show so if the name is familiar you know why that is just a few facts about me here is my story the sexual abuse started as early as 2 years old by a female older cousin. Who I was supposed to trust she would rape me and sexually assault me when she babysat me as I grew older and I no longer needed a babysitter she started taking me out places and buying me gifts and then she would take me to her house and tell me that I needed to give her what she wanted cause she gave me gifts and took me out places while I was suffering from my cousins abuse I was also suffering abuse from a teacher and student along side that the first time I was sexually assaulted at school was by my science teacher he said I needed to stay in because I had not finished my school work and the first time I was assaulted by the student was at a buddy pair sport group I asked to go to the bathroom and the teacher told him to take me that was were he orally raped me at 9 years old I was raped by a male family member who was 14 years old and a couple years later I suffered from a brutal occurrence called gang rape then fast forward to this year I was raped and sexually assaulted at a concert I still have times that I doubt myself that what they did was actually rape or sexual assault but deep down I know it is and I’m getting therapy and psychological help I hope my story can help you to at-least speak up about it or know your not alone

I just filed a protection order in January. I have held on because I saw the hurt child within my partner and so it was easy to rationalize why he had negative behaviors. The last straw was when he apparently didn’t want me in the garage so he kicked over tools that were stored in totes and picked up an Axe and shattered a mirror. He looked at me while holding the Axe and I just retreated and created space because I didn’t want to create a reason for his anger to escalate any further. I am filing for divorce and am hoping to get sole custody as I want our son to have a safe and healthy childhood and my soon to be ex husband cannot provide that at this time. I pray he can heal but I cannot save an Adult as I cannot cause someone else to choose healing. Last I heard he is running around town looking to get high. I think he might just be reckless in his actions and emotions at this time. I have anxiety but I lock my doors and when he did violate the protection order he did go to jail so I hope that is motivation for him to not break it again but I’m not sure if it is or not. I was going through my google account and saw videos that he was putting cameras in our closet or bedroom which he did not notify me off. I also had to cut so much outside friends or people in general because he assumed the worst as others may be seeking inappropriate relationships with me, but that was never the case. I know he is most likely playing the victim but the patched holes in the wall the broken door frame and the shattered mirror tell a different story. If he wants to blame me that’s fine. My peace, safety and happiness is more important and my children deserve safe home.

It ends with us opened my eyes to my teenage relationship. After finding out he was cheating on me and being dragged to his car where he beat me endlessly and then r*ped me for being so mad I caught him. I forgave him because I didn’t want to lose him to her. I finally had the courage to leave after other incidents. Thank you to the movie crew who helped display this in the perfect way. It describes all the emotions you feel perfectly

Ten days after my daughterX discharge from the hospital, where she had undergone brain surgeries for epilepsy, X was resting in her bedroom and my ex-husband asked me to help him buy something online. I said no (very unusual but I was fixing something for X. to eat) and he exploded, throwing hot coffee on me then trashing the kitchen. And for the first time, a light bulb went on in my mind. The light said, "This is going to stop." Once he saw that something fundamental had changed inside me - that I was indeed serious - he escalated his tactics week by week. We had been married for almost 20 years, and he was absolutely incredulous that I was leaving him. All he knew how to do in response was more assault, more threats, more stalking, more financial theft. He was out of his mind. At one point he stood on the steps outside our house screaming "Why didn't you abort the kids?" over and over. For about 6-8 months I'm pretty sure he was considering doing a murder/suicide. I had to leave everything behind to get away - the home, friends, my job. I sold everything of value that I owned. Since I had grown up in a home of domestic violence, I didn't understand it very well, even as I was being victimized. I didn't know that shoving someone, kicking someone, and throwing objects or hot liquid at someone are all against the law. I didn't know that insults, name-calling, and coercive sex aren't part of normal relationships. I didn't know how dishonest my ex-husband was (and is).

I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. I left several times but it wasn't until police intervention that I finally ended things, and even then it took an additional year to fully understand that I had been an victim of domestic abuse. It started small, I would make excuses for him and the love bombing and manipulation made me thing it was a small price to pay because what we had was so specials. As things escalated I could not admit to myself that I was a victim that I had let myself allow these things to happen. Someone like me with loving family and friends and seemingly prefect life couldn't be the victim of abuse. The shame and the silence isolated me and I am still in the process of understanding it wasn't my fault and anyone can become a victim of abuse. I worry that if I tell my family , friends and future partners what happened they will judge me, consider me weak and question why I stayed for so long. I continually have to convince myself that I am strong, that this wasn't my fault, and that I shouldn't have to be the one afraid to make others uncomfortable by sharing my story. A partner should never make you feel unsafe, you are not alone and anyone can become a victim. The only one that is weak and should be uncomfortable is the abuser. Sharing your story is one of the best tools to support others and help you on your own healing journey.

I was young and naive. I didn't even know what rape was. I sought help from my friends only to be met with all of the "why didn't you...this?" or "why didn't you...that?" From that point on I blamed myself and never spoke about the rape. In my early adulthood, I had a coworker that recognized something in me and she asked me if I had been raped. She offered me support and resources. I still hadn't ever heard of any advocacy programs. At age 25, I applied for a new job working with child abuse victims. Little did I know, but they also worked with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. I found my healing there and I continue to work there 31 years later. I found my healing and strength through educating the public and advocating for others. As I get older, I get bolder. I no longer fear sharing my story.

No one should go through what I went through at the hands of my abuser. I found myself in a difficult situation after getting married to my ex-husband, who was and still is the title of one of the Magistrates Courts of that Country. I had a battered and traumatic experience all the 9 years of our marriage (experiences like having seven stitches done on my torn neck, being battered on a weekly basis with men’s leather belt and a big wooden cane made from tree he kept in his private room just for me; often times asked to go on my knees as an act of discipline or preparation to get beaten, internal bleeding, skin bruising, bleeding from my ears, noses, mouth; blows and punches to my face that spills blood from cuts) but because I loved him, his reputation, against the advice of many. I suffered in silence and lived in fear due to the threat to my life. The police failed me as they called him their boss. Escape! Say No More!!!

As a young adult I was exposed to internet pornography. Curiosity drew me in more and more and eventually I became addicted to it. I spent the next 17 years struggling with it off and on, wanting to stop but not knowing how. When I started to learn how porn perpetuates sex trafficking, I became more motivated to find recovery. I also felt deeply convicted when I began to learn that a significant amount of internet pornography contained non-consensual content. I didn’t realize how consuming it created more and more demand. I’ve finally gotten free from that habit and have been for almost 6 years now. Now I’m at a place where I’ve found opportunities to help other men get free and raise awareness on the harm of porn and the abuse it perpetuates. I have so much passion and hope now. I KNOW consumers/abusers can change through self-disgust, remorse, and empathy. Hearing survivor stories encourages me so much and I look forward to efforts that elevate their voices. I hope my journey continues to bring healing, hope, and healthy dialogue to others and their journeys.

I grew up with an alcoholic, violent father and a mother who, to this day, can’t even remember most of the things he did. Eventually, my brother turned into an even worse version and was also abusive towards me, he even beat my ex boyfriend and was extremely jealous and overprotective of me when it came to guys who would try to approach me, I started feeling that having a boyfriend and falling in love was a “bad thing”. Eventually I started a relationship with a guy who lived in a different country, he seemed perfect but my mom was for some reason concerned. I ended up moving to his country and we got married, after we got married his behavior changed completely. I felt like I was basically living under his roof and like he was living like a single guy. He was doing drugs behind my back, he was cheating a verbally abusive. I would try to confront him about the things he was doing and he made me feel like I was the crazy person, he would also call my parents and sister to tell them I was very immature. He knew I would never tell them everything he was doing to me, and I felt like I didnt have anybody to talk to about what was really happening. One day he forced me on the floor, I can literally still fell the texture of the carpet against my chin. He would travel a lot, so one day I just packed my bags and left him. He eventually filed for divorce and I was served on valentine’s day at work in front of my team. It took me a week to read the papers, for some reason I just couldn’t. The papers stated I made him marry me because I wanted the residency and he was also trying to take my dog from me, my dog is my biggest support and he obviously knew that. It took years for the divorce to finalize. Everything started back in 2018, I still struggle. I haven’t been able to start a new relationship and I am sabotaging myself with everything, including my professional life and that was the one thing I was really great at. For the first time I realize that I need to find my support system, that there is hope. I don’t when I’m going to stop blaming myself and punishing myself for my decisions, but I am eager to do the work to get there. To start putting myself first. I have Justin Baldoni to thank for. Thank you for spreading awareness. Thank you for being brave enough to share your stories. We are all worthy of a healthy love.

I've been on this road to healing for a very long time. I was with a man that at first was my friend, we were together for 4.5 years. In the beginning things seemed okay. We shared our dreams and I started college. I expressly told him I was there on a scholarship and would only be focusing on school and would come back down on the weekends. Once I started my first semester I should've paid more attention to all the red flags. He would text me and call me at all hours. He'd Skype me any time I had 5 minutes of a break. Mind you I was a naval cadet at my school so I didn't get many breaks especially with classes that were 4 hours long. I eventually started having panic attacks from his constant berating and checking that I wasn't doing anything I wasn't supposed to be doing like cheating. Eventually I had to drop out of being a cadet to being a commuter student which meant being home with him after classes and waking up extra early just to get to class on time. It was even more difficult for me because of his obsessive gaming habit of playing video games until 3 am which is the time I had to be up to get ready for my first morning classes. Eventually I started losing sleep and my grades started slipping. I had to drop out of college for a while to make things easier on myself. I ended up giving up on my dream of being a marine biologist and naval cadet to be with this man. A man that had no job no GED no future. But he would constantly promise that things would get better. At this point I had two jobs just to keep us afloat, and feeding his habits. But little did I know he was selling my stuff on top of everything and the little money I was saving for myself he stole and started using for his habit as well. I switched majors two more times after that and finally stuck to psychology without telling him my final major, just that I wanted to finish school. But it was difficult juggling school and two jobs but I had to because I wasn't allowed to go back to my family ( I had a difficult relationship with them at the time). Because of all the long hours and night courses I was taking, the man I was with started to suspect me of cheating and would constantly fight me at all hours and would start ripping apart my bags and looking through my phone and laptop just to see if he could find any evidence. He'd berate me to his friends and anyone that would listen. I started getting back into my drug habit, which I had previously given up, due to his increasing behavior. he would always put me down calling me a whore a slut a bitch that didn't know how to do anything. Mind you I was the one with the job, but id have to come home to cook to clean to take care of his mess when he was the one home 24/7. When I would try to help him get set up with GED courses or a job he would say things like "I don't need a GED I'm smarter than anyone with a degree" or "why do I need your help when I can do any and everything myself and better". By the time I started working at the Y, I couldn't speak to or see my family or friends. At the same time my beloved grandfather, the man who raised me, was diagnosed with stage 2 pancreatic cancer. I was extremely close to him and when I expressed my fears to my partner's family his sisters and his mother were always so kind to me and always supported me. But he immediately would say I deserved all the pain and suffering and that I shouldn't cry because only good people deserve to feel sad. He'd say I was the scum of the earth and didn't deserve happiness. I'd start sneaking out after work just to see and tend to my grandfather. Id go on days when classes were canceled or when I didn't have work and accompany him to chemo sessions. I would move my schedules around just to spend time with him. But my ex had a friend that worked at the same Y I did, and she started telling him what I was doing thinking she was helping me. Instead he took this as continued disrespect and started beating me daily. I started wearing longer sleeves and thicker clothes and makeup just to cover the bruises up. (Because of this I started developing a love for movie makeup which helped my later investment in my Dad's film company.) I started making friends again and they noticed the clothes especially in the summers and I would just say that it would be inappropriate to subject the children to the tattoos that I have. But eventually they started catching on and one day I slipped because I came in after taking my grandfather to chemo and didn't have time to fix the makeup on my neck. I was able to fix it before my site director or any of the parents noticed. My partner started to force himself on me sexually after I showed little interest and started keeping to myself or spending more time with his sisters. Id wake up to him on top of me and he'd beat me if I fought him. I became pregnant and the beating continued with him believing the child wasn't his. But he beat me so bad one day that I miscarried and he blamed me for killing our child. He beat me so bad that day that he cracked a disc in my spine pinching my sciatic nerve causing me partial paralysis and dropfoot in my right leg. he started drinking heavily after I lost our child. he terminated my phone contract which we entered into only a few months prior, causing me to end up in debt, then he stole the rest of the money from my savings to fund his gaming. This ended up causing me to fall behind on payments for the new furniture I had purchased, which I eventually had to give to his mother. I started talking to someone I had previously dated (we ended things amicable and saw each other as really close friends) for advice and solace. while I understand that this would be technically emotional cheating, I was starting to no longer have feelings for my partner and lost myself. My grandfather, who was with us for 3 more years after his diagnosis, eventually got severely sick and ended up in an induced coma for 3 months. I became severely depressed and disconnected from everything and everyone. I became so numb to the beatings and rapes that I would be terrified to close my eyes. I started staying up at night afraid to lay down or even cover myself with any blankets. I would curl up in a corner by the window and that would be the only time he would leave me alone. My grandfather died in December 2019 and the day he passed my partner broke up with me stating that I deserved all the pain and heartbreak I was suffering and that I would never find happiness. He walked away and laughed at my pain saying my grandfather was just an old man who meant nothing. He had forbidden me from undergoing the surgery that would fix my spine, but without him knowing I agreed to the surgery. I moved back in with my grandmother a few months later in February of 2020 by packing up what I could including important documents and sneaking out at 4am to go to the hospital for my surgery. My father picked me up from the hospital and took me to my grandmother's home. In the safety of my family I confirmed with my ex that I would never again be with him. I told him I no longer wanted anything to do with him no contact either physically or electronically. A few days later he came by with more of my stuff and told me that he would only take me back if I never slept with anyone else after him. I told him he no longer had that control over me so he had no right to ask that of me. I asked him to leave. During the healing period of my spinal surgery he harassed me continuously even going so far as to say he would kill himself if I didn't take him back. This lasted for months and I didn't know what to do. I forced myself into therapy and tried to ignore him as long as possible. With the help of my therapist I was slowly able to block him and start healing. I started working in mental health and social work a few months later. I eventually met my now fiancee who has been my number one supporter. He has even come to therapy sessions with me and has made sure that I always put myself first. I currently work in DV and GBV helping others that have or are going through wheat I went through. I plan on becoming a therapist eventually once I finish my MBA. I also put my makeup skills to use by helping my father on his films with makeup and special effects makeup. My fiancee and I are getting married this year and it's been such a long journey but there are times I still have random memories or ptsd symptoms, but with the help of my friends and family I am able to work through it all. I hope my story gives someone the courage they need to leave before it's too late.

To my fellow survivor, I am a 9 year survivor of sexual assault. I am proud to be sharing my story, and hoping my words can provide comfort and courage. Something that was very important to me was reporting my rapist. Fear takes over our body, and we feel numb. I wanted to cocoon myself in a blanket and stay there forever. The thought of contacting law enforcement was terrifying. Taking that scary step can make you feel empowered. I wanted my voice, my story, and my emotions to be heard. There is a quote “speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.” This quote carried me through one of the most difficult times in my life. When we speak our truth, we are no longer carrying this alone. You are being heard and taking back the power. Share your story, heal with love and care, and most of all surviving is the bravest of all. “I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” Brené Brown

When I was 11 yrs old i was raped by three boys. We had just moved to the place i live now. I never told anyone until i was in high school. I lived with guilt and self harm for yrs over the incident until in therapy i learned that it wasnotmy fault and those boys had no right to do that. I try and help people by sharing my story. We should speak out about it

You hear it all over the news. You see it in films and tv shows. As women, we are often warned, and we hear comments about ‘safety in numbers’ when you go to the toilet. ‘Watch your drinks’ when out and about. ‘Don’t show that much skin, cover up’. ‘You can’t wear that.’ ‘Get a taxi home, it’s not safe to walk’… unfortunately words can not protect you from the intentions of others. I went on a night out with friends, a reunion that started off so well. I remember the dancing, the constant flow of drinks…pints, gin, vodka, sambuca to name a few. Yes, it is not ideal to mix however, when you are reminiscing, and your group had a booth with a table full of drinks; you would probably do the same! Anyway, the lights flashed, the music bounced off the walls and suddenly a trip to the loo mixed with alcohol on a busy autumn international night in Location…makes you forget what floor you left your friends on. Fast forward to the smoking area alone on the phone, where I swayed and debated leaving. “A taxi home would be safer than walking in the rain”. Before I was allowed in, I had to pay by card, he insisted on no cash. I entered the taxi behind the passenger seat in the back and it began. The looks through the rear-view mirror were instant…my memory of the journey is absent until we reach my corner. My directions at this point were now ignored but I trusted him. He parked, away from my house. He locked the car with me still inside. He looked back. “Kiss me”. He had hold of my wrists and climbed through to the back where he began to sexually assault me. I am unsure for how long this lasted but he later broke away and asked to use my toilet. This enabled me to get out of the car so…I said yes. Why I ever thought I could get into my house first in a pair of heels whilst heavily intoxicated I do not know, but even so, I looked back to see how ahead I was…even now I can see him running down that pavement to reach me at my door. In my own home, he was in control. He stole my breath, he stole my voice, he stole my body. He raped me. No one ever prepares you for an event like that, or even how to tell your parents. I went to SARC, I did the forensics and repetitive questions, and I was told it would take years of my life away if I were to take it further. So, I went back to work the following Monday as I had a responsibility to fulfil. It weighed on my shoulders. I knew there was an expectation. Many google searches informed me of my next steps…I made an anonymous complaint to the Police, and everything began to move. Everything became intense…I was living out what felt like a BBC drama. Months later he denied it in court, so we went to trial. The support I received was minimal. I was still working, taking unpaid time off. My close family and friends were those who got me through the days in court, the days in-between and the days I live now. I took away the screen during my time on the stand, I answered every insulting question and remark. I looked him in the eyes, he held eye contact for only a few seconds before breaking into a smirk; as I broke down in the stand. I was torn to pieces in front of a judge, jury and courtroom. In front of him, who proceeded to spin his web of lies which were the complete opposite to the ones he had said in his initial statement. “To be a good liar, one needs a good memory” …He was found guilty. It took 2 weeks for me to be seen as a victim and believed. Fast forward to the sentencing hearing where my main pillars of support accompanied me…I read out my victim impact statement… He got 11 years…a minimum of 8 ½. I got a lifetime sentence, anxiety, depression, dissociation, insomnia, scars and PTSD. February 2024, 2 months after the 1st anniversary; I made my 3rd attempt. A phone call from a friend pulled me back to reality, who later pulled me off the bridge. A mixture of anger, tears and confusion filled the next couple of days, and I knew I needed to take back control of my mind and body. Which is hard when his monstrous hands are imprinted, his poisonous breath echoing in and flooding my ears and the pain weighing heavy on my body. This time I had to do something different. I could not bring myself to hurt anyone else further, so I searched online. I came across The Survivors Trust and after a quick scan through what they had to offer, I instantly thought ‘why wasn’t I told about this sooner?’. Talking can feel repetitive especially when you cannot explain how exactly you are feeling…which is ok in this sense because of their ‘Survivor Resources’. They echo that everyone has a different healing journey and they have sets of resources that have been put together with the survivor in mind…whilst also having a section for those who are looking for help on how to support a survivor they love in their lives. The Survivors Trust then became an outlet for me because even though I am very much at the beginning of my healing journey, I felt responsible and motivated to raise awareness for this charity. No one should ever have to face a traumatic event like this but sadly, the actions of others are something we cannot control. Therefore, I created a Facebook page called ‘Name’ and started promoting my quiz night followed by live music and started a Just Giving Page. I never anticipated a big response; I had a goal of £1000. A goal of raising awareness for the charity, fellow victims and survivors. A goal to inform. The CSEW estimated that 1.1 million adults aged 16 years and over experienced sexual assault in the year ending March 2022 (798,000 women and 275,000 men). 15% of girls and 5% of boys have experienced sexual violence by the time they are sixteen. Every five minutes in the UK someone experiences rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault by penetration. ‘On the face of it, something has to change’ (Prima Facie, 2022). Date he was sentenced. Date 2 I raised a total of Specific amount from site.. People have different opinions on the length of time to which I will be ‘fixed’. “Sometimes, it takes a few days”. A few days, a few weeks; a few months to fully grasp what happened, to trust myself? Living in and out of my own body, not knowing when it is truly me or what is now left. The sleepless nights, the nights that repeat every detail. Every once in a while, my ears go out, ringing as I simply stare into thin air, dissociating and remembering each and every detail without speaking a word. Sometimes it only takes a smell, a name, a piece of clothing, a sound to take me back to these moments. It does not take much to remind the brain of the agony. It’s hard. I float throughout each day, each night, as each aspect of the memory replays every time, I take a second to think…no matter where or who I am with. It is currently day 630…I have finally started EMDR therapy, I am still at times in denial of the events, and I am very much at the beginning of my journey. I am beginning to understand there is no timeframe on healing and with the support of this charity, my close family and name, taking time to self-care and keeping up with my medication is all I can do for now. Everyone is different. Therefore, it is totally natural to heal and deal with trauma in different ways. I work and like to keep busy…some say to avoid/escape the flashbacks but unfortunately, they do not escape me. However, although I have tried many times not to be…I am alive, and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure things change. No one should live in the fear of not being believed. No one should be put into situations where they experience a type of sexual assault. No one should have to go through something they could not control and feel guilty for the rest of their lives. No one should feel alone. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel shame, guilt, embarrassment, regret and the list goes on but I will get there. I am alive today because of the resources and support presented on The Survivors Trust site. My journey is very much at the beginning, and I so wish I knew about this charity sooner. Therefore, this is me giving back as well as letting others know about the charity, not only the victims either…Survivors Trust helps everyone impacted. Raising Amountp is just the start of the work I will be doing for the charity. It is okay to talk, there are people who will believe, who will support in any way they can. Together we are stronger…you do not have to face this battle alone. I have recently continued to share my story and been a listening ear to others on my page Name on Instagram and Facebook. I don't want anyone to ever feel alone in their trauma, in their healing, in their journey. I am far beyond cured. My EMDR therapy has been completed but its like a bomb has gone off...I've accepted what has happened, happened. But it'll forever be part of who I am no matter how many steps forward I take. He gets out in 5 years and is then under watch for 3 years as he is eased back into society - that support has been planned for him. However, if I didn't attempt to take my life 5 times...I would never have been put forward for MH screening by my gp who then referred me for EMDR. I wasn't given any support from SARC or Victim Support - and it's honestly made me feel so defeated yet again by him. Yes, he was found guilty and went to prison in 2023 but I am the one serving the life sentence.

My story is long and sad as most abusive relationship stories. I will start with a little background info. I was born to teenage parents (babies themselves) having babies. I was the middle child. My mother was 16 when she had me. My older sister was 1 year older which puts my mother at 15 with her birth. Well my parents got married and both parents worked hard and played hard. Babies raising babies. My father went to work and never missed a day of work. You could say the same for my mother. Well I was raised in one town with one home and we did have a family setting in a beautiful coastal town. You could say it didn't prepare me for the real world which is filled with so much darkness. I had alot of difficulties with my older sister who played alot of games with me while growing up. She was to pick me up from work as we shared the only car as teenagers and she would make me walk home from work in the dark alot. I got engaged early into going to college and married my first husband at 20. No I wasn't pregnant. I was head over in love with what I thought was everything to me. He was handsome and smart. Unfortunately when your husband is good looking other women notice too. In this case it was the older sister who I never got along with. This time it turned out very traumatic because in a small town with everyone knowing your business this older sister had a five year affair with my husband and even came up pregnant with his child while married herself at the time. This husband told me he married the wrong sister. I was in alot of emotional pain with this huge family drama which my mother who was Catholic wanted noone to know our family secret. My sister was having my husband's child and they had a 5 year affair. I was heartbroken, made to be silenced given this was my sister, and this was the beginning of me shutting down and taking the abuse. So you could say I was taking emotional abuse at this point. Abandonment soon came from my parents because I divorced that husband which my parents didn't want to happen for fear I would tell our deep dark family secret. Oh did I mention we were living in a small town and drinking was big in my family. Without getting counseling for this emotional time and traumatic event I moved away from my less than supportive family and found my second mistake. How could I top my sister having my husband's child but I did. I dated alittle and then a man at work asked me out. I was numb and not looking for any relationship. This man drank and that was familiar to my family settings. But I didn't know he had a dark side very dark past. I started dating him steady and within a year I was engaged again. I thought he was going to be everything I wanted and needed. Love, a happy home, beautiful family with children and trust! I got engaged in Date in Oct we were married. The following March we had twin girls. Well in Date 2 we went to Location and everything with my second husband was always a plan because he lived a double life one I didn't unpeel until the 25th year of being married. This marriage was filled with physical, emotional and verbal abuse. I told you I topped the first disaster. My second husband liked the fact I had no family around and that would allow him to live his double life he had. One using me as a cover wife with cover kids and the second which is revealed when we moved to State as a gang member trafficking drugs and women. I know unbelievable. I never knew I was married to a gang member but in Date we went to Location and that was my first meeting you could say with his double life as he would use me as he met with his drug connections. I had no idea. In State I caught him with Nationalityoften which turned out to be Cartel. I couldn't believe it but then I caught him drug trafficking and then I caught the women which he was trafficking as well. This double life comes with alot of dangers you see they drug the girls and this I also experienced. As I was unpeeling this whole side to a man I obviously didn't know he would beat me up as I was started to go to the proper authorities for help. I even told the local police my husband was trafficking drugs with Nationalityand I was scared. I was calling so many times for help. The authorities are not well trained with Domestic Violence, because when they called back on my same cell phone all that did was put me in more danger and I couldn't speak up for help because he was sitting 5 feet from me at the time. I was beat up for going to the police. He knew my every move and I was sure I was going to die. He said he would burn the house down. As he was trafficking girls underage at local High Schools he felt no fear. He said he had power and could do what ever he wanted. Bragging it was the oldest profession. You see these traffickers/pimps don't fear the outdated laws or even the police. They are making billions with this now. The FBI told me it's a huge problem and they can't stop it frm growing. The women, girls and young kids involved in this aren't going to take the stand against the gangs and cartel. That's crazy then comes the actually threats I endured after the beatings. I was being poisoned by my own husband which I could feel right away as I started to vomit and my cancer doctor said I had leukemia. I was given cancer as my spouse was bragging he could do. He said some people get cancer some are given cancer. These gang members have chemicals and toxins that are unthinkable. Now living in paradise I was running down the street for help after being choked out and noone would help. Why would they get involved too dangerous. I called 13 times for the police. The more trafficking I witnessed and pieced together the more my danger to myself increased. Now he said of I didn't leave then he could traffic me. His exact words were I was sitting on a million dollars. You see these pimps/ traffickers only look at women and girls average age is 12 as money. SO many are doing it in State it's crazy. I watched cars - ubers driving young girls around the neighborhood stopping and dropping girls off for the sex buyers either at their private residence or in a private residence used as a brothel. Oh yeah a year earlier I was going to the cancer doctor from work running home and changing my clothes before the appointment to see my bed remade and shower wet midday. I thought it was for an affair. He was having an affair which is why he was poisoning me but he was using our own home as a private residence brothel. Big business. Millions made for all involved. The woman coming out of my home spoke no english and she said she was a realtor and had shown my house that day. I caught her coming out of my own home. I thought she was the mistress. She was a sex worker meeting the John at my house using my bed. I told you it was worse much worse. But abuse is never good no matter what degree it is. I was so broken I moved from State to State with this same husband thinking I was saving my marriage from that affair. Not until State did I learn that wasn't an affair but a huge trafficking multistate Jeffrey Epstein situation and now my life was in real danger because I was piecing human trafficking, sex trafficking and drug trafficking together. I didn't know the correct words for all this until I found myself getting into my first safehouse. Yes my first one. One of five! I was saved by myself because my own husband started to pimp me after drugging me and I was feeling so sick everyday. I went to the doctors and told my new doctor my spouse was hurting me and I didn't know why except he had a girlfriend. I saw my husband driving a brand new car past our house within a month of us moving to State. No withdrawal from our joint checking. How did he buy the car? I started intense detective work. I found the 12 girls names encrypted on his cell phone, saw the addresses he was sending them too, saw ads for Plenty of fish, FB, Craigslist and such. Still I didn't understand this all. Trafficking ?? Why would a man in his 60's which is what my husband was have so much to do with 12 girls. OMG not until 6 months later when I was saved with a safehouse in State, SPARCC did I really understand what was happening all around me. The Cartel threats to my car and children. The gang retaliation to my 4 cars, 5 safehouses and 8 cell phones. So anyone who says sex trafficking is no big deal a harmless profession didn't know my story because for that volume of money they will kill you making it look like an accident. I've had more vandalism to my car which goes undocumented by the police. You know there were years of abuse to the young girls for Jeffrey Epstein getting away with it. I called 13 times for help. I was beat up. Choked out which I was told in State was a felony 10 years. Restraining Order denied in State. I detailed the trafficking in State and Sate and left to survive this horrific story which I couldn't believe I wasn't protected more. The take away from this is that powerful men are sex trafficking and human trafficking all across America without any legal problems. Just as my husband bragged he had power and could do what he wanted. I overheard my husband telling strange men in State what I looked like naked and my bedroom habits. Horrified I called him into the house which we just purchased together for our third Chapter! I asked him what was he doing ? He said my cancer was in my brain now and I didn't hear him right . Gaslighting! So cleaver I started to second guess everything I was seeing and hearing. My leukemia was in my blood and not in my brain. I started to record my own home and such because I needed to know I wasn't loosing my mind. He told me I was but I didn't think I was. Then I heard tapes with his voice - why isn't she dead yet ? I know Name but she isn't- I did do that. OMG his girlfriend was now down here in State and they wanted me dead. OMG I wasn't saving my married I was being eliminated. Oh my how does he have all these other assets. I was an profession so I needed to know how he aquirred the new car- Red Cadillac with his Girlfriend on his lap. State Plates License Plate Number FL. Well that was the beginning of unpeeling a huge trafficking gang situation which started in City, State 1, then too City, State 2, then down to City, State 3. OMG I saw the shell companied encrypted on my husband's cell phone. Then I saw the addresses and names of the sex workers. I already witnessed the worker coming out of my own home back in State. Then I was whirling with OMG momemts. Piecing together so much. My husband had 3 boats all which he had unexplained situations happening. OMG then I remembered he cut the deck of the boat which on TV said was for drug mule smugling activity. OMG. I was seeing it too in State as I followed my husband without his knowing. As I explained I thought I was trying to unpeel an affair but now it was worse so much. I was vomiting again in State like State and I knew at this point it was from my bath products which were moved within the shower area letting me know someone was harming me. Why did my husband move me toState along with his GF ? Why not just divorce me in State ? OMG I was to be dead by now. The Leukemia I have isn't by chance and I could see the girl fiend he had. SO my detective mode increased and now I knew he was a drug mule for Cartel but the young girls I saw him with at a local high school that I didn't know what it was. Not until the sex workers at the first safehouse told me what I was married too ! OMG I was seeing it right! I was right! I called for help told the police I needed help and noone really did anything. I was seeing srug, sex and human trafficking. Why didn't I piece this sooner I asked myself. So I looked hard at all the State activity there it was. My husband was leaving work on half days and trafficking women and drugs in City, State 2 and City, State 4. I turned on the family locator and saw the City, State 4 activity. OMG. I was right with the degree of danger and how could my restraining order be denied I told the courts how he was harming me! I saw my husband meeting teachers who aere part of the underground network offering up kids from their school. Big money big business in State. You know I told 5 detectives up and down the East Coast as I ran and tried to hide from the Cartel and Gang who were chasing me in Various States. I needed help real help. I was run off the road. Vandalism to 4 cars. 2 flat tires in two months. 8 Cell phones compromised. Forced from my only home I owned leaving me homeless to sleep in my car. After 2 college degrees and seeing trafficking up close I was left to hide and sleep in Walmart parking lots just to survive. Five years of torture as these gang members continue to make billions from wealthy sex buyers. Men in communities hiding in plain site. Teachers, Lawyers, Judges, Doctors, Businessmen, Politicians, and yes even men in authority positions like policemen. I witnessed a policeman as a John in my own home in State. They came hard after me all, Cartel, Gangs, and Sex buyers. Judge in State, County Name denied my RO. WTH. I thought no I prayed to die. Please GOD take me now. I went to college to tell the twins what I was trying to live with in State and survive it. They didn't believe me, why should they I couldn't believe it was real and as big as it was. The underage girls I caught living in my boat in State were about 16 years old. Average age in State is 12. I went into a safe house my first one and the sex workers who were there taking refuge from an angry pimp/trafficker told me all about my husband. These women told me because they were sick of me talking about his Girlfriend. They researched his name with their connections and came back to the safehouse and we went for a ride to a park to discuss what was happening. They said I was clueless married to a dangerous man who was a gang member, Big Fish - trafficking drugs and women. OMG. I knew as sad as that was it was true because I was seeing that too. I was piecing it together with the same results. OMG. Now what I asked. They said I would be dead soon. Trafficking is so big in State it's everywhere. I went into a safehouse but soon they came for my adult children just as the sex workers warned me was going to happen. I left by their advise and went back to the worst human being on the planet. The man I married who was living a double life as a horrific trafficker selling women and girls. OMG then came all the memories of the unanswered events thru out the marriage. We went to Location and my husband went to the box seats, now I see why he supplied the girls and such. OMG. He made millions just as he bragged he would in 1997 but I thought he was drunk again. That's why I was seeing cars, houses and so much near my husband around him etc. Wow how this crime isn't stopped it beyond me. Big Business and many many involved. Fake Realtors using houses as brothels too, House cleaning service in State which isn't really house cleaning but brothel service. All around my husband was his gang team. No cell usuage and they lived near each other. Clever. Very Organized. Well I tell my story so everyone understands human and sex trafficking isn't done by nice men just having sex. They will kill for this greed. 150 Billion. Human Trafficking should be on everyone's mind to stop because it leads to poisoning, drugging, raping, trafficking, murder, unexplained accidents to your car. Like the day I was to have the wrong size brakes put on my car but they were in the right size box! Yes I know crazy story but it's true and every person in America should be very upset about just sex which isn't what this is! It's selling people and slavery which after a short time these victims can't get out of the life. It's a one way road. The need for public awareness with trafficking is needed now because it's as bad as the television shows it to be and worse. My husband now my ex got the house in State and really he got the millions too because he's not in jail. These pimps/traffickers don't go to jail. The laws need reform and the men writing the laws are the ones involved or know of a buddy who's involved. As my ex husband bragged man cannot govern man. He made millions as he said he would and never went to jail. Big Fish from City, State ....WOW. Many more details I discovered with this huge multistate operation.

My story was 24 years(18-42) of abuse. I was controlled by my narcissist same sex Ex. She was super controlling. I wasn't allowed to have friends or to wear jeans or pants.. Everything was always my fault and I had to earn her forgiveness. All this time het older brother started by raping and sexually abusing me Then he started human trafficking me. First it was to get into BDSM gatherings and then when he lost his job it was for money for him. I wss kept in place by threats against my now Ex and her son who was 4 when it started. I got out December 2012.. I was taking taxis because my ex had hurt her leg and I wasn't allowed to drive or have a license.. I met my now husband that way. I don't know why but I felt a connection with him for some reason. The day that ended it all in my mind. Was I had to take s train to my then therapist. She mafe me take her brother with me and said I could only go to therapy if I did that. Ot was my taxi driver who picked us up and he loed to get senior rate and didn't tip. I went back out to settle the money and wound up talking to my now husband, Husband for like 45 minutes. Husband figured out who he was and didn't eant to leave me there. I wasn't ready yet. Eventually, I left amd left everything, but she had him there all the time and she wouldn't allow me to bring Husband. So my stuff wasn't worth it. I am out and safe now, but am still plaqued by flashbacks and memories. I have been without a therapist since right before Covid. My therapist went on a two month cruise and didn't set me up with anyone to see while she was gone. Thst is sll for now I don't want to say to much Survivor