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Survivor story
I will get there, I’m just not there yet
A few weeks later
I finally reached my limit this week. It was a series of events that got me there. I finally realized that for me, the anxiety of waking up every day or coming home from work not knowing what version of him I would see, it was suffocating me. I had 3 events upcoming that I needed to attend for work and family, one involving travel, and I knew this would set off his insecurity and he would take it out on me for going. It was never going to end, so I had to overcome my fear of telling him it was over and he had to leave. I got inspiration from the lyrics to a Lyle Lovett song……”There’s nothing unwavering as a woman when she’s already made up her mind” and I talked to him with as little emotion as possible. I told him I wouldn’t fight, and I wouldn’t listen to him telling me we could fix it. He hasn’t moved out of the house yet. He is staying in another room. He has 2 weeks to get out, and if he is rude or nasty, I will pack his belongings and leave them on the driveway. I have a locksmith coming to add a keypad and I will give him a temporary code for this 2 weeks that I can shut off. Someone told me that when I finally did this, I would feel like I had dropped the weight of the heaviest backpack. I am feeling this. I am also sad and I am trying to let myself feel that while at the same time knowing there is no other path forward in the relationship. I wanted it to be different, but it will never be. I wanted the feeling of caring, but it had gradually turned into total control. I have changed my passcode on my phone. I can text my friends and family without worrying about him reading later. I can see my friends. I need to rebuild friendships that I neglected and I hope I can do that. I’m embarrassed still that I let this happen and I’m not really ready to talk about it with friends. I will get there eventually. I hope if you are reading this, you will soon find some part of you that still has the strength to say you have had enough pain. You deserve more. I deserve more. We all do.
Original story
Message of Healing
Waking up and going to sleep knowing I am safe and at peace in my own home.
There are pieces of different stories that fit my situation. I’m a successful executive and I am so embarrassed that I ignored all the red flags and got myself into this mess. I feel so unworthy, a combination of childhood emotional neglect, sexual assault as a teenager, and a 25 year marriage full of emotional neglect and infidelity. I even feel unworthy of putting myself in the same category as the survivors on this page, like my story isn’t as valid. He is a sexual assault survivor himself; he was molested by an older female cousin when he was little. That was part of the attraction at first. I thought we understood each other’s pain and would help each other heal what still remained. At first the attention felt like caring, like someone finally gave a damn. The requests to text where I was at all times, wanting to track my location and share his, wanting to talk or FaceTime all night on the phone, even sleeping with the call still going, next to me, when we weren’t together. Now I know it was about control and a deep lack of trust. I have learned over time to never look around at a restaurant or I will be accused of staring at another man. I have unfriended most of my male friends on social media and I am afraid to post anything in case one of the remaining ones comments. He demands that I show him any communication from any man on social media. He wants to know my work meeting schedule and gets upset if I don’t text him back right away. One time, he was out of town and my phone wasn’t plugged in correctly so the battery died during the overnight FaceTime call. I panicked when I woke up and realized what had happened, and he was furious with me. He wanted to know if I had cheated between 4 am and 8 am when the phone was dead. And I haven’t asked him to leave yet. I don’t know why. We have almost broken up several times, and every time I believe him that it will be different. It won’t be different. I am exhausted and I don’t recognize myself anymore. I am too ashamed to tell my friends or family the extent of it, although they know things are off.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.