Find Answers to Your Questions ~ NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth Community

Question 1

As a child from ages 5-10, I was regularly sexually assaulted by my older cousin who was about 7+ years older. I never told anyone. Years later, I remembered instances where I showed my private parts to my younger siblings. They expressed discomfort and I respected their boundaries, though my cousin never respected mine. Nothing physical happened with my siblings, but I feel immense guilt. I worry what I did was sexual assault, though I hope I'm wrong. I don't want to be a bad person. I love my siblings deeply and never wanted an inappropriate relationship with them. We've never discussed this, and I've told no one. What should I do?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. First and foremost, please know that you are not a bad person. You were a child who experienced something that no child should ever have to endure, and the feelings of guilt you're carrying are understandable but misplaced.

What you've described is a common pattern seen in children who have experienced sexual abuse. When children are sexually abused, they sometimes repeat behaviors they've been exposed to without fully understanding their meaning or inappropriateness. This is called "sexually reactive behavior" and differs significantly from the deliberate sexual assault that was perpetrated against you. It's not uncommon for children in such situations to mimic or reenact what has happened to them, often without fully understanding what they are doing.

Your experience shows several important signs that distinguish your childhood behavior from abuse. You responded to your siblings' boundaries immediately. You also felt discomfort about the behavior even as a child, and you had no intention to harm. These reactions demonstrate that even as a young person who had been victimized, you maintained empathy and respect for others. The fact that you respected your siblings when they expressed discomfort shows that you cared about their feelings, even then. Your love for them is evident, and the guilt you're feeling now is actually a sign of your moral compass and care for your siblings.

It's important to recognize that you were navigating a difficult and confusing time without the tools or support that you needed. Your cousin's abuse taught you harmful patterns that you were too young to fully process or understand. The guilt you're experiencing reflects your empathy and concern, but it's crucial to remember that you were not at fault for the abuse you suffered or the confusion it caused.

Healing from this complex situation typically involves working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse. They can help you process both the original trauma you experienced and the guilt you feel about your reactive behaviors. Many survivors find that understanding the context of their childhood behaviors helps reduce shame and allows them to move forward.

Forgiving yourself can be a challenging process, but taking steps toward healing is a positive and courageous move. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey. Remember that seeking help is an act of courage and commitment to your own healing, not a confirmation that you're a "bad person." Your awareness and concern demonstrate your capacity for growth and healing.

Thank you for trusting us with your story. You're not alone in this, and help is available.

Question 2

I'm confused about some of my brother's behavior during childhood and adolescence and whether it could explain my current intimacy issues. I'm 30F and have struggled with intimacy throughout my life. While I enjoy kissing and cuddling, I completely freeze up as soon as it goes further and just want it to be over. When I was 7 and my brother was 10, he showed me how to pleasure himself and made me do it. A few years later when he was 14-15, he would occasionally come into my room at night after drinking and watch me while I pretended to sleep. Sometimes he touched me between my legs, and I would move as if I was rolling over in my sleep, causing him to leave. This continued for a few months until he stopped. We now have a close relationship. Could these experiences be causing my difficulty with intimacy? I can't find another explanation, and it's becoming a real hurdle for me.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your story and trusting us with your feelings. The experiences you've described with your brother during childhood were inappropriate boundary crossings that could certainly influence how you experience intimacy today. Children deserve to have their bodies respected and to develop an understanding of physical boundaries in their own time and in age-appropriate ways.

Inappropriate childhood sexual experiences can certainly impact your relationship with intimacy, both physically and emotionally. The freezing response you mention during sexual encounters is a common reaction that many people experience after having their boundaries crossed in childhood. Your body is responding protectively to situations that feel similar to past experiences, even if your conscious mind hasn't fully processed the connection.

The fact that you have a close relationship with your brother now is something many people in similar situations experience. Family relationships are complex, and it's possible to care about someone while still acknowledging that certain past behaviors were harmful. This complexity can sometimes make it challenging to process your feelings about what happened.

Many people find that their bodies remember what their minds have tried to understand or compartmentalize. The confusion you feel is also common. Many people question whether their experiences are significant enough to cause their current difficulties, especially when the person involved is someone they care about.

It's important to know that none of this was your fault. You were a child navigating situations that you weren't equipped to handle or fully understand at the time. Your reactions now are valid, and it's okay to seek support to help make sense of them.

Working with a compassionate therapist who specializes in sexual trauma could be helpful in processing these memories and developing strategies to feel safer in intimate situations. Many people find that understanding their responses as normal reactions to confusing childhood experiences helps reduce shame and opens pathways to healing.

Remember that healing is possible, and reconnecting with your body and sexuality on your own terms is achievable. Your experiences and responses are valid, and you deserve support in addressing these challenges and creating fulfilling relationships where you feel safe and comfortable. Take care of yourself. Thank you for your trust

Question 3

Is this assault or am I being dramatic? I went to see a therapist for an eating disorder, but most sessions he would ask me questions about my sex life and advised me to practice with toys so I'd be ready when I met someone. He also used to touch my thighs. It happened several years ago, but I forgot he touched me until recently. I do fear I'm being over dramatic about it though and it wasn't that bad, and maybe I'm just being too sensitive about it. My eating disorder did get way worse though, because I wanted to talk about that and not about sex. I've been told that since I'm an adult, the talking doesn't count as assault although inappropriate, but now I remembered the touching, and I don't know if that does. It feels so confusing, and I don't know why it's bothering me so much now, when I was fine before.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. I am so sorry to hear about what you've been through. Your feelings are completely valid, and you are absolutely not being overly dramatic or too sensitive. What you experienced matters.

What you've described sounds like a profound violation of professional boundaries and therapeutic ethics that caused you real, lasting harm. A therapist's sacred role is to provide a safe, professional space focused entirely on your healing, not to sexualize the therapeutic relationship or touch you inappropriately. From what you've shared, your therapist crossed professional boundaries that should never, ever be crossed. Asking intrusive questions about your sex life, suggesting you use toys to prepare for future relationships, and touching your thighs are all deeply inappropriate behaviors in any therapeutic setting. These actions represent serious professional misconduct and constitute both sexual harassment and, in the case of the unwanted touching, sexual assault.

When someone in a position of power and trust touches you in a sexual manner without your consent, that is assault regardless of the context, your age, or how much time has passed. Being over 18 doesn't make his actions acceptable or less harmful. Everyone has the fundamental right to feel safe and respected, especially when seeking help from a professional. The inappropriate sexual conversations, while perhaps not legally defined as assault, represent serious violations that created a harmful, exploitative environment when you were at your most vulnerable.

It's completely understandable that your eating disorder worsened during this time. You came seeking help for something specific and deeply personal, only to have your sessions hijacked by inappropriate sexual focus. The fact that your symptoms got worse because sessions became about sexual topics rather than your actual needs shows the direct, measurable impact of this misconduct on your wellbeing. This therapist failed you profoundly when you needed proper care most.

It's also completely normal and understandable that you're remembering and processing this now, even years later. Sometimes, our minds protect us by suppressing or minimizing traumatic memories until we're in a safer space emotionally to process them. The fact that you initially "forgot" the touching doesn't make it less real or serious. This is actually an incredibly common trauma response that many survivors experience. Our brains are remarkably protective, and sometimes our eating disorders or other coping mechanisms can mask or delay our processing of other traumas. This might explain why these feelings and memories are surfacing now as you work on your recovery journey.

Your nervous system and emotions are responding appropriately to a real violation that happened to you. You deserved proper, ethical treatment focused on your eating disorder, not sexual exploitation disguised as therapy. The confusion you're feeling makes complete sense. When someone who was supposed to help us causes harm instead, it can feel disorienting and make us question our own perceptions.

You're allowed to feel upset, angry, confused, or any other emotion about what happened, regardless of how much time has passed. Your feelings about this experience are not only valid but important signals that deserve to be honored and processed. I know that considering therapy again might feel terrifying after what you experienced. That's completely understandable and so many survivors feel this way. When someone who was supposed to be a safe person violated that trust so deeply, it makes sense that the thought of being vulnerable with another therapist would feel scary.

If and when you feel ready, seeking support from a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in both eating disorders and sexual trauma could be helpful, but there's absolutely no pressure or timeline for this decision. You get to move at your own pace and make choices that feel right and safe for you. In the meantime, you might consider reaching out to someone you trust to talk about this like a friend, family member, or calling a support hotline where you can process these difficult realizations without the commitment of ongoing therapy until you feel more ready. These conversations can be a gentle first step in your healing without the vulnerability that formal therapy requires right now.

You might also want to consider reporting this former therapist to their licensing board when and if you feel ready, as what they did was both illegal and unethical. However, this decision is completely yours to make on your own timeline. There's no pressure to take any particular action - your healing and wellbeing come first, and you deserve to focus on what feels manageable and supportive for you right now.

You deserve care, respect, and proper therapeutic support. Your healing matters deeply, and you have every right to seek the help you originally went looking for. Thank you for reaching out to us with this. You are not alone.

Question 4

I experienced abuse from ages 5-8 by a neighbor who was two years older. He had a 'secret game' in a hidden area of the park that involved inappropriate touching and harmful acts, sometimes with another child present. This occurred regularly over several years.

I've struggled with understanding if this qualifies as abuse given our ages and my lack of resistance. As a lonely child, I was drawn to the attention. The behavior stopped when we entered the same school, and he ceased contact. I kept this secret until age 19.

The experience has left me with deep shame and confusion about whether my feelings are warranted. While working with a therapist, I've found some relief in learning about childhood-on-childhood sexual abuse (COCSA). My therapist keeps warning me from speaking about my experiences, however, and I’m feeling very alone in this journey as I try to heal. I'm seeking guidance on processing these experiences and understanding their impact.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It takes immense courage to reflect on such deeply personal experiences. First and foremost, please know that your feelings are valid, and you're not alone in feeling this way.

What you described from your childhood sounds confusing and distressing, and it's completely understandable that you're grappling with feelings of shame and uncertainty. Even though both you and your neighbor were children at the time, the activities you were involved in went beyond typical childhood exploration. The presence of secrecy, coercion, and a power imbalance—especially when he demonstrated control over you in front of others—are significant factors indicating that these experiences were not healthy or consensual.

It's common for survivors of childhood abuse to question whether what happened to them "counts" as abuse, particularly when there's a lack of physical force or if they felt complicit at the time. It's important to remember that as a child, you were not capable of giving informed consent to these activities. Your neighbor, being older and exerting control, was in a position of power, and it's not uncommon for children to comply with or even seek attention from others, especially when feeling lonely or isolated.
The responsibility lies with those who initiated and perpetuated the abuse. You were a child seeking connection and attempting to understand the world around you.

Regarding your therapist's warnings about speaking about your experiences, processing trauma often involves discussing and unpacking these memories in a safe and supportive environment. If you feel that your therapist isn't providing the support you need or is discouraging you from expressing yourself, it might be worth considering seeking a second opinion or finding a therapist who specializes in trauma and childhood abuse. A professional who understands the nuances of Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) can offer you the appropriate guidance and help you navigate your healing journey.

It's also helpful to connect with support groups or online communities where others have gone through similar experiences. Sharing with others who understand can alleviate feelings of isolation and provide additional perspectives on healing. Remember, healing is not linear, and it's okay to have mixed feelings about your past. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work through these emotions. You deserve understanding, support, and the freedom to express your truth without fear or shame.

You're not alone, and there are resources and people who can help you. Please continue to reach out and advocate for the support you need. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 5

Childhood memories have recently resurfaced following a difficult breakup that impacted my sexuality and sex drive. When I was around 7-8 years old, I initiated what I called a 'game' with my two younger sisters (aged 4-5 and 2-3) under blankets, occurring perhaps 1-3 times. This involved making out and having my middle sister apply pressure to my private area while our youngest sister was present but looking away. I'm deeply ashamed and concerned about potential trauma I may have caused. I haven't disclosed this to anyone, including my therapist, as I can't bring myself to say the words. I'm struggling with intense shame and intrusive thoughts about whether and how this might affect my sister's adult life. I pray she doesn't remember it. These thoughts surface especially when I'm not busy or thinking about sexual things. I want her to be okay and don't want to tell her or anyone else. I just want to know what to do.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing something so personal. Childhood experiences can be confusing, and it's not uncommon for children to engage in exploratory behavior without fully understanding what they're doing. It's understandable that these memories are causing you significant distress, and your concern for your sister shows deep empathy and responsibility. Many people experience memories resurfacing during times of significant life changes or during periods when we're processing our relationships and sexuality differently.

Children naturally experience curiosity about their bodies and relationships as part of normal development. At young ages, children often engage in exploratory play as they try to make sense of the world around them, including relationships and physical sensations. This curiosity can take many forms and comes from many sources - things they've seen in movies or TV, overheard conversations, observed interactions between others, or simply trying to understand their own bodies and feelings. At the ages you mentioned, all of you were very young and still learning about boundaries and appropriate interactions. It's important to remember that you were a child yourself, navigating the world with limited knowledge and understanding.

The guilt and worry you're experiencing now show that you care deeply about your sister's well-being. It's natural to be concerned about how past events might have affected her. However, holding onto intense shame and self-blame may not be helpful for either of you.

Your recognition of the complexity of these experiences and your concern about their impact shows emotional maturity and growth. The fact that these memories intrude especially during quiet moments or when thinking about sexual matters suggests this is causing you significant emotional distress that deserves support. Working through these memories with a trauma-informed therapist could help you process these experiences and develop healthy coping strategies. While shame might make disclosure feel impossible right now, therapists are trained to handle these sensitive topics without judgment and can help you understand these childhood experiences within their developmental context.

Remember that punishing yourself for actions that took place when you were a young child isn't fair to the person you are today. If you're experiencing intrusive thoughts and difficulty when not keeping busy, these are natural responses to carrying heavy emotional weight that can be addressed through professional support. There are confidential resources available, including RAINN's hotline and online chat services, where trained advocates can help you explore next steps when you're ready. They can also help you think through any decisions about disclosure to family members, which is a personal choice that doesn't need to be made immediately.

Healing often involves understanding, forgiveness, and compassion—for both yourself and others. Your commitment to understanding the impact of these experiences and your deep concern for your sister's wellbeing shows you're already taking important steps toward healing. The fact that you're questioning these experiences now, as an adult, demonstrates growth in your understanding of boundaries and relationships. You're not alone in this journey, and support is available when you're ready to take that step.

You're not alone in this, and help is available when you're ready. Take care of yourself.

Question 6

I'm struggling to differentiate between normal childhood curiosity and sexual abuse. These are two hypothetical situations: 1. A twelve-year-old started touching and kissing a four-year-old. She asked them to stop. This happened twice. 2. A twelve-year-old briefly inappropriately touched a four-year-old's private area over clothing, and when asked to stop, they immediately did and nothing more happened ever again. Would situation 1 be viewed as sexual assault/abuse, and situation 2 be viewed as normal childhood curiosity?

Accepted Answer

Thanks for asking aboout this. The distinction between normal childhood curiosity and problematic sexual behavior involves several important factors, with age differences and genuine mutuality being key considerations.

A key difference lies in the age gap between the children and the presence or absence of genuine mutuality. When a four-year-old is interacting with a twelve-year-old, there is already a significant disparity in power, understanding, and development. Children that young do not have the capacity to consent, and a much older child typically has a level of knowledge and influence that makes true "curiosity" difficult to separate from coercion. Normal childhood curiosity typically involves peers of similar ages and developmental stages exploring together with mutual interest, stopping immediately when anyone feels uncomfortable, and generally involving brief, exploratory behaviors rather than repeated actions.

In the first scenario, the younger child begged the older child to stop, but it happened twice anyway. Begging for it to stop indicates a clear refusal that was ignored, and that crosses a line into abusive behavior. Several concerning elements are present: the persistence despite clear communication to stop, the repetition of the behavior, and the significant age and developmental gap between the children. The fact that the behavior continued after the younger child asked it to stop indicates a disregard for boundaries that moves beyond typical curiosity.

In the second scenario, while the initial touching of private areas given the substantial age difference represents problematic sexual behavior that goes beyond typical peer curiosity, the fact that the older child stopped immediately when asked is significant. This immediate response to boundaries, while not excusing the inappropriate nature of the contact, suggests the behavior may have been more impulsive rather than predatory. The lack of repeated behavior after being told to stop is an important distinction that indicates the child was capable of respecting boundaries once they were clearly communicated.

True childhood exploration typically occurs among children of closer ages, tends to be mutual, and stops the moment a boundary is expressed. When a younger child expresses discomfort or says "no," yet the older child proceeds or even initiates such contact, it's generally viewed as a violation rather than harmless play. Both situations would likely benefit from adult intervention and guidance, though the approach might differ, to ensure that all children receive the support and education they need to develop healthy understanding of boundaries and appropriate interactions with others.

If you find yourself questioning these experiences, you are not alone. Many people struggle with how to label interactions that felt confusing or uncomfortable when they were very young. Above all, it is important to listen to your own sense of safety and comfort. Even in childhood, our reactions to being touched show us whether something was consensual exploration or a breach of boundaries that made us feel scared or powerless. Your feelings about these situations are valid regardless of how others might categorize them, and what matters most is how these experiences affected you and getting the support you need to process those feelings. Thank you so much for trusting us with this.

Question 7

I keep seeing my old swimming instructor's face in my head over and over, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I don't remember anything specific about him and haven't thought about him in years, but I see his face so clearly and how he's looking at me. I've had other traumatic encounters before, and I'm scared there might be another one I don't remember. These thoughts are making me feel physically ill and giving me headaches. What could this mean?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of confusion and distress seeing this person's face so vividly, especially when you have no clear memory or understanding of why it's bothering you now. What you're going through right now is incredibly overwhelming, and I want you to know that your fear and physical reactions are completely valid, regardless of what they ultimately mean or represent.

The sudden, vivid mental images of someone's face accompanied by intense physical symptoms like nausea and headaches can have many different explanations. Sometimes these reactions can signal that something significant happened, but they can also occur when our previous trauma experiences have made us more sensitive to certain people, situations, or dynamics that remind us (consciously or unconsciously) of past harm. Your brain might be responding to something about this person or your interactions with them that felt uncomfortable or unsettling, which may or may not have involved any inappropriate behavior on their part.

Often, when the mind picks up on a possible reminder of past harm, whether it's connected to an actual harmful event or simply reminiscent of feelings from a different painful experience, the body reacts before we have the words to explain it. Your previous traumatic encounters may have created a heightened awareness that causes your nervous system to respond strongly to memories or situations that share certain elements with your past experiences. Feeling sick to your stomach, or having your head hurt when these thoughts arise, is a common way your body might express alarm or uncertainty when trying to process confusing or distressing memories.

It's important to know that having these intense reactions could mean different things. Sometimes these strong physical and emotional responses do indicate that something harmful happened that your mind and body are trying to process, even when you don't have clear conscious memories of it. At the same time, these reactions can also occur when our minds and bodies create strong responses to people or situations based on subtle feelings of discomfort, power dynamics, or other elements that reminded us of previous difficulties, even when no abuse occurred with that specific person. Both possibilities are valid, and there's no way to know for certain without time and possibly professional support to help you explore these feelings safely. Your distress is real and deserves acknowledgment either way, and you deserve support in working through these difficult feelings regardless of what they ultimately reveal about your experiences.

You don't have to push yourself to force a memory or determine definitively what happened. Sometimes these sensations come up when your mind is processing various experiences, and the meaning isn't always clear right away. Right now, focusing on grounding techniques and self-care can help manage these intense physical symptoms. When these images come up, try grounding yourself in the present moment through deep breathing, naming things you can see around you, or holding something with a comforting texture.

If the nausea or headaches become overwhelming, consider reaching out to someone supportive (e.g. a friend, a trusted family member, or a trained professional) who understands how complex trauma responses can be. If you have access to trauma-informed therapy, they can help you navigate this process safely and at your own pace, without pressure to reach any specific conclusions about what these experiences mean.

Above all, be gentle with yourself. The fact that you feel so unsettled tells us that you deserve compassion and patience as you sort through what's happening. There is no right or wrong timeline for understanding what these reactions might mean, and it's okay to take it in small steps. You aren't alone, and there are people who will believe you and want to help you find some peace as you work through these difficult feelings. You don't have to go through it alone, and you deserve support during this challenging time. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 8

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 9

When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process.

What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

It's important to note that without knowing your full medical history, it's unclear whether the enemas were medically necessary. In some cases, invasive procedures may be warranted for a child's health and well-being. However, even if the enemas were medically justified, your feelings of fear, powerlessness, and violation are still valid. A procedure can be both necessary and traumatic, and your emotional response and the harm associated with these experiences deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, it may be helpful to share your feelings with your parents and ask for more information about the circumstances surrounding these events. Understanding the context and medical reasoning behind the enemas might provide some clarity and help you process the experience. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional safety and only have this conversation if you feel supported and ready.

The flashbacks and physical sickness you mention are common symptoms of unresolved trauma. When our bodies and minds are overwhelmed by a distressing experience, the memory can get "stuck" in our nervous system, causing intrusive thoughts, sensations, and emotional reactivity. This is especially true for traumas experienced in childhood, when we lack the resources and context to fully process what's happening to us.

Please know that your feelings and the long-term impact of these experiences are valid, regardless of the medical necessity of the enemas. You deserved to have your boundaries and bodily autonomy respected, and it's not your fault that they weren't. It sounds like harm occurred here and you deserve to seek help to heal from that harm.

Healing from childhood trauma is a highly personal journey that often benefits from professional support. I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and medical trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your memories, validate your experiences, and work with you to develop coping strategies for managing symptoms. They may also be able to get into more specifics with you surrounding whether or not what you experienced was abuse.

Thank you so much for this question and I am sorry that I cannot provide more guidanc. However you define your experience, you are welcome here. You are not alone.

Question 10

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 11

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 12

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 13

A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully.

Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped when the other child expressed his boundary, there seemed to be no force or manipulation involved, and you never repeated the behavior.

Childhood sexual curiosity is developmentally normal, even when there are age differences involved. Children often explore through touch and observation as they try to understand bodies and differences. The key distinguishing factors that separate normal exploration from concerning behavior include the presence of coercion, repeated boundary violations after being told to stop, or behaviors that cause distress or harm.

Your immediate response to his boundary-setting shows that your childhood curiosity was not driven by harmful intent. You respected his "no" instantly and completely. This is actually a positive indicator that you were engaging in typical childhood exploration rather than problematic behavior.

The exposure to pornography at a young age likely did increase your sexual curiosity, as it does for many children. However, this doesn't mean your actions were predatory or criminal. You were still a child processing confusing information you weren't developmentally ready for.

Many adults carry shame about childhood moments that seem inappropriate through an adult lens, even when those moments were within the range of normal childhood development. The fact that this memory troubles you demonstrates your moral awareness and empathy, not evidence that you did something seriously wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us. We hope this helped ease your mind.

Question 14

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 15

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

To start, be sure to listen without judgment when she talks about her assault. If she wants to talk about it more with you, listen actively and avoid asking probing questions or pushing for details she's not ready to share. Let her know you believe her and that the assault was not her fault.

Additionally, it is important to respect her boundaries. She may have triggers or certain situations that make her uncomfortable. Be understanding and follow her lead in terms of physical intimacy and emotional discussions.

If it seems like she is actively struggling mentally or emotionally related to this experience, you may want to gently suggest the idea of seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. You might even offer to help her find resources or even accompany her to appointments if she wants. If she is not ready yet for external resources, respect her autonomy and let her know you are always ready to revisit the conversation if she changes her mind. Healing from sexual assault is a process that looks different for everyone. Avoid pressuring her to "move on" or heal faster than she is ready for.

Finally, it is also important that you take care of yourself throughout this process. Supporting a loved one through trauma can be emotionally challenging as you may have to manage your own emotions related to the situation. Remember, your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence in her life. Let her know you are there for her whenever she needs you, but also give her space when she requests it. Remind her of her strength and resilience. Your care and understanding can make a significant difference in her healing journey.

Thank you for this question that I am sure many others have. You are not alone.

Question 16

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Accepted Answer

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to stress in this way is often viewed as a survival strategy and can be useful when we have to take some action, such as getting out of a violent situation, weighing our options, or making an appointment with a professional.

It is important to note that numbness is not the only emotional shock reaction that you may exhibit. Other normal reactions include: crying uncontrollably, laughing nervously, extreme fatigue, or withdrawing. It is important to be prepared, however, that as you process your experience, the initial numbness may fade. If you would like company, surround yourself with trusted others. Or think about other strategies you can use that have helped in times of crisis in the past. No matter what you are feeling, recognize that these are normal reactions to trauma, and you do not need to face them all on your own.

Question 17

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse.

If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

Throughout recovery, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Some days will be easier than others and some days will be harder. You do not have to hold yourself to the same standards and expectations as your best day. It is okay to be gentle with yourself, to prioritize your mental well-being, and to take it easy—if you are able.

Try to engage in an activity that you enjoy or that has helped you feel better in the past when you’ve had a difficult day. This could be a calm or relaxing activity like reading a book or watching a tv show, it could also be an opportunity to express how you are feeling through art or writing.

If talking to other people is your preferred way to relax and feel better, reach out to a friend, partner, or someone who you trust. It is okay to reach out for help on a difficult day.

Even years into recovery, it’s normal to have a bad day pop up unexpectedly now and again. Sometimes a triggering experience can set off a bad day, but other times they just appear out of the blue.

However, the further you get into your recovery journey, the stronger you become at recognizing the signs that a difficult day is happening. You become more resilient and able to cope with the feelings and challenges that accompany a bad trauma day.

Question 18

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

Accepted Answer

Yes, forcing or pressuring someone into a romantic relationship or into dating is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. Everyone has the right to make their own choices about relationships freely and without coercion. When someone tries to compel another person to be in a relationship against their will, it disregards their feelings and autonomy, which can lead to emotional distress and harm.

Forcing or pressuring someone into a relationship violates their fundamental right to make free choices about their romantic life. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and enthusiastic consent, where both people freely choose to be together. When someone uses pressure tactics like guilt, threats, manipulation, or persistent demands despite hearing "no," they're overriding the other person's autonomy and right to choose. Think about it this way: If someone has to be pressured or forced into dating you, they're not genuinely consenting to the relationship. They might agree to date you to stop the pressure, avoid conflict, or prevent negative consequences - but this isn't true consent.

This kind of pressure creates an unhealthy power dynamic from the very beginning, where one person's desires and boundaries are being disregarded. Common pressure tactics often include threatening self-harm if the person won't date you, repeatedly asking after being told no, using guilt trips or emotional manipulation, making someone feel obligated due to favors or gifts, isolating them from friends and family until they agree, using their insecurities against them, or making them feel like no one else will want them. These behaviors aim to wear down someone's resistance and ability to say no freely.

Healthy relationships develop naturally, with both people feeling safe to express their true feelings without fear of consequences. Both parties should feel free to say yes or no without pressure, and those choices should be respected. If you have to force or pressure someone to be with you, that's not a real relationship - it's a form of control that undermines the very foundations that make relationships meaningful and fulfilling.

It's important to recognize that your feelings and choices about relationships are valid. You have every right to say no if you're not interested in pursuing a relationship, and that decision deserves to be respected. If you're experiencing pressure to enter or stay in a relationship, please know that this behavior is not acceptable, and you deserve to make your own choices. Thank you for this question. We appreciate you asking it.

Question 19

What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?

Accepted Answer

Healthy boundaries are an important part of any relationship—whether it’s romantic, platonic, or familial. As traμma survivors, boundaries are important to ensure we feel safe, secure, and able to put our well being first in relationships. This builds a strong foundation for healthy, mutually satisfying love going forward.

When a partner breaks your boundaries, it's common and understandable to feel hurt and betrayed. Consider using this situation, however, an opportunity to revisit a conversation about relationship norms.

To start, it can be helpful to communicate how you are feeling to your partner. This shares how their actions impacted you and why this boundary is important. You may also be able to better understand your partner’s intentions and feelings.

Was your partner aware of your boundary before crossing it? If your partner didn’t know, this can be a chance to clarify relationship expectations and needs. They may want to share their own boundaries too. Communication is key.

If your partner knew about your boundary, and chose to break it anyway—ask yourself why? Are they not respecting you and the limits you’ve established? Depending on the situation, this may be a red flag.

Some of your boundaries might be flexible, and you might feel comfortable adjusting them based on your partner’s needs. Other boundaries might be more rigid and set in stone—both types are important to have. You deserve to feel respected and heard in all of your relationships.

You are allowed to set limits and establish boundaries that protect you and that make you feel safe. You are allowed to expect people to respect those limits—as long as the boundaries don’t cause harm to someone else.

After experiencing abuse in a relationship, research shows that people tend to develop stricter boundaries with new partners. These boundaries typically become more flexible as trust, understanding, and mutual respect develops over time.

While it’s natural for our boundaries to evolve over time, ensuring we voice them is important to develop safety and security within a partnership.

Question 20

If me and my cousin consensually did sexual things when we were really young, but I started to feel uncomfortable even though I kept doing it without saying no does it count as sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. While we cannot label your experience for you, we can provide some context that may help you process it.

Sexual interactions between young children, even if seemingly consensual, are complicated by several factors. Children typically lack the maturity and understanding to truly consent to sexual activities. Power dynamics can exist even between children of similar ages, especially with family members. Additionally, it's worth noting that some degree of sexual curiosity and exploration between children of similar ages can be a normal part of development, though the appropriateness can vary greatly depending on the specific circumstances and ages involved.

It's common for people's feelings about childhood experiences to change as they age and gain new perspectives. What might have seemed okay or normal at the time can later feel confusing or uncomfortable as we develop a more mature understanding of boundaries and sexuality. If you began feeling uncomfortable but continued without expressing this discomfort, what you experienced may not necessarily qualify as sexual assault in the traditional sense. However, your feelings of discomfort are valid and important. It's common for children in these situations to struggle with expressing their changing feelings or understanding what's happening.

It's crucial to remember that you're not at fault for these experiences or your reactions to them. Children often don't have the tools to navigate such complex situations. If these experiences are causing you distress now, it may be helpful to speak with a counselor or therapist who specializes in childhood experiences and family dynamics. They can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and help you process these memories in a healthy way.

Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's okay if they're complex or have changed over time. Healing and understanding are possible, and professional support can be very beneficial in this process. While I know we did not provide any definitive answers, I hope we provided some helpful information to help you as you navigate this situation. Thanks for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Welcome to NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth.

Questions & Answers

What are you interested in?

Topics

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?

If me and my cousin consensually did sexual things when we were really young, but I started to feel uncomfortable even though I kept doing it without saying no does it count as sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

If me and my cousin consensually did sexual things when we were really young, but I started to feel uncomfortable even though I kept doing it without saying no does it count as sexual assault?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

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