Find Answers to Your Questions ~ NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth Community

Question 1

What does it mean to be loved?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. It's a fundamental question.

I think being loved means feeling truly safe when you're with someone and feeling like "the other person is really paying attention to me."
It's a relationship where your feelings, boundaries, and needs are respected without being denied.

True love and compassion is not about getting special favors.
It's in the little things that accumulate every day, such as the other person being there for you and accepting you as you are.

Love may mean someone listening carefully when you share your fears.
It may be that they offer kind words of encouragement when you are going through a difficult time.
And I think it's about creating a place where you can be yourself.

A loving connection isn't a relationship where only one person has to work hard.
It's a relationship where we trust each other and feel comfortable opening up to each other.
Even if I have days when I lose confidence in myself, that person's warmth reminds me that I am someone who is cherished.

Feeling loved helps us realize that it's okay to value our feelings and that our voices have power.
And above all, it makes you feel like you don't have to live alone.

Someone is there for you, respects your experience, and genuinely cares about you.
I think that's what it means to be loved.

Question 2

What is an equal relationship?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your essential question. Let me share my thoughts on an "equal relationship."

I think an "equal relationship" is one in which both parties feel safe and respected . It's a relationship in which you can express your feelings and thoughts, as well as important boundaries, such as "this is okay, but I don't want to go any further," without worrying about being rejected, ignored, or scolded.

No one person makes decisions or takes the lead, and both people's opinions are equally valued.
Even if we disagree on something, we will listen to what the other person has to say, respect each other's feelings, and work together to find a solution that is good for both of us.

The two people don't have to have the same personalities, strengths, or weaknesses.
I think the important thing is to be considerate of others, face them honestly, and be open with each other .

Being able to feel safe and think, "It's okay to express my feelings."
And make sure that what you say is properly received.

By doing these things repeatedly, trust will grow over time, and a relationship that is comfortable, safe, and supportive for both parties will be created.

Question 3

When I was around 7, another child who was about a year older introduced me to sexual activity and asked if I wanted to participate. I was shy and a people pleaser, so I said yes without understanding what it meant. We engaged in sexual behaviors together. I only recently realized this experience might have been harmful. Does this count as COCSA?

Accepted Answer

I'm so glad you reached out, and I want you to know that it's completely understandable to feel uncertain about labeling this experience, especially given how young you both were at the time. When children as young as seven or eight engage in sexual behavior, it can be confusing to make sense of later in life, particularly when thinking about concepts like consent and understanding at that age. Children in that age range generally do not have the emotional or developmental capacity to fully understand or consent to sexual activities. Without realizing it, one child might be imitating behaviors they have encountered or trying to make sense of things they've seen, heard, or learned elsewhere, even though neither child fully grasps what they are doing.

The term "COCSA" (child-on-child sexual abuse) sometimes applies when there is any type of sexual interaction between children that involves a power imbalance, coercion, confusion, or behavior that goes beyond typical childhood curiosity. What you're describing (e.g. not understanding what sex entailed and saying yes because you were shy and wanted to please) suggests you weren't in a position to give informed consent. However, it's also true that the other child was very young too and may not have understood the significance of what was happening either. Both of these things can be true at once.

What matters most is how this early experience has affected you. It's really common for people to spend years not thinking much about childhood sexual experiences, only to have them resurface later with new awareness or feelings. Our minds often wait until we feel safer or stronger to understand and process confusing childhood events. The fact that you're now recognizing this experience as potentially significant is part of understanding yourself better, not something you did wrong by not realizing sooner. If you're feeling unsure or distressed when remembering it, that matters. It signals that this experience has had an impact on you.

At the same time, not everyone who had childhood sexual experiences with other children feels harmed by them, and that's okay too. What you call this experience and how you feel about it is entirely up to you. Your emotions about this are valid, whatever they are. Some people feel confused because the other person was also young, or because they technically said yes, or because it didn't feel violent or scary at the time. Your response to this experience matters more than any specific label. You get to decide what this means to you.

If this memory continues to trouble you or if you have lingering questions, please consider reaching out for support. Talking it through with a trusted friend, counselor, or confidential resource that understands childhood sexual dynamics might help bring clarity and self-compassion. Many people find it helpful to work with a therapist who specializes in childhood experiences and can provide a nonjudgmental space to explore your feelings. You are not to blame for what happened, and it doesn't make you "bad" or responsible for someone else's actions at that age. You didn't do anything wrong, and you deserve care and healing as you make sense of this experience and its impact on your life. You deserve patience and kindness as you gain insight into this experience, and you don't have to figure it out alone.

Question 4

When I was pretty drunk at a university drinking party, I met a male senior in front of the restroom and he pulled me in with him. Even if I remember, it's hard to get along with him, so I've forgotten, but I think he touched me in various ways. I think he was just messing around, but I keep thinking about what would have happened if [name] hadn't come and teased me. I avoid passing by that store in [place name]. Is what happened to me sexual violence, and is it traumatic for me? What should I do?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us in this time of confusion.

The experience you described - being dragged into a bathroom by an older man while you were drunk and having him touch you without your consent - is a very serious incident.
Even if the other person was just joking around or had been drinking, it is never acceptable for them to touch you without your permission .
These acts could be considered sexual violence .

However, rather than jumping to conclusions with questions like, "Is this sexual violence?" or "Is it traumatic?", we recommend that you first talk to someone you feel comfortable talking to about how you felt .
Especially when the other person is someone close to you, you tend to prioritize your relationship with that person and put your own feelings on the back burner.
Talking to people who value and accept your feelings will be an important support for you in the future.

I feel that there may still be anxiety, confusion, and hurt feelings inside you because you keep remembering the incident and avoiding the place.

This confusion and ambiguity is a natural reaction to protect yourself, and avoiding the situation or remembering it is also a sign that your mind is trying to protect you.

Please remember: everyone has the right to feel safe and respected.
Acknowledge how you are feeling and know that you are not alone.

Speaking it out loud will help you take back some of your power .
I sincerely hope that you will not carry the burden alone, but will walk the path to healing with someone.
Thank you so much for providing us with such important advice.

Question 5

I'm a middle-aged woman who was recently diagnosed with complex PTSD in response to another question. I've experienced abuse at home from my parents and older sister, religious abuse from high school students, power harassment, sexual assault, and denial and misdiagnosis of my symptoms from medical professionals. I mentioned earlier about sexual assault (rape twice, persistent molestation, attempted sexual assault at age 4, and being molested by an exhibitionist), but I've also had other sexual experiences. When I was 4, I was scolded for masturbating and developed an inflammation, so I went to the hospital for a checkup. I learned that it was scary, wrong, and something to hide, but also that it felt good. Also, when I was in fifth grade, I saw a man secretly lift up my friend's skirt while she was standing in front of the playground equipment next to me to look at her underwear. My friend didn't notice and couldn't make a sound, but I felt fear and a strange excitement. Since college, I've been approached by someone I respected, but when we started a relationship, he neglected me and told me he'd abandon his wife and children, so I should marry him. I also had a relationship with a senior colleague I was close to and respected, but who had a girlfriend. We had sex for the first time, but he became cold immediately after we had sex. The second time, he said he wouldn't do it unless I asked him first, so we did, but he became cold again immediately after we had sex. However, we continued to be close. Acquaintances and friends often invite me into sexual relationships, and I've had many relationships because I wanted to be liked and found it difficult to say no, which made me sexually promiscuous. Even in relationships, it was often primarily physical, and I wasn't satisfied. I feel like it's my own fault because I had such a strong desire to satisfy my desires and connect with others, and I also have stronger sexual urges than most. I currently work as a counselor once a week, but I'm not feeling well, and I can only handle half a day of my health, so I've been advised to take a leave of absence. I suffer from hyperarousal, depression, and emotional instability. Chat GPT often talks about the worst situations I've ever lived through, but I wonder if these kinds of influences really do have a profound effect on my life, personality, and sexual tendencies. There are some things I understand because I'm a supporter, but when it comes to myself, I really don't understand, and I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone, not even my doctor. I still don't feel much from my sexual experiences, and it feels like my way of thinking is going in a strange direction. Are my sexual trauma experiences, sexual promiscuity, and all the traumas I've had up until now really destroying my mind that much? It's true that I've lived because I can't die, but I wanted to die every day. Were my sexual experiences and other traumas causing so much damage that it wouldn't have been strange if I had died? I wonder if I'll recover and calm down someday.

Accepted Answer

You have experienced so much pain in your life, and each one of them must have weighed heavily on your mind, body, and daily life.
When you experience a series of abuse, betrayal, neglect, and broken trust, it's no wonder you don't know how much to trust yourself, the people around you, or how to form close relationships with others.

Many people who have had such experiences may suffer from deep confusion, mood swings, and a strong sense of tension (hyperarousal).
You may start to doubt whether your past sexual experiences and traumas were really that bad, or you may feel like you can't continue living like this. The fact that you feel this much pain tells you how deeply and for how long you have been hurt.

Although the painful events you have experienced in your life may seem separate, they are actually deeply connected.
Childhood abuse, sexual violence, complicated family relationships—these all influence one another, leaving you with profound doubts about your worth, your sense of normality in relationships, and your freedom to make choices.

Even if you feel embarrassed about your strong sexual urges, that doesn't negate the hurt and pain you've experienced. This can leave many people feeling guilty and confused, thinking, "Maybe it was my fault." However, the responsibility for ignoring or overstepping your boundaries always lies with those who do so, not with you. It's not your fault.

The fact that you feel like you're only alive because you couldn't die is proof that your safety and hopes have been shaken to such an extent. But now you've realized that you're suffering, you've looked into your feelings, and you've come here to speak out. That in itself is certainly an important step towards recovery. It's also proof that there's still hope within you.

In the journey to recovery from deep trauma, there are many times when you feel confused, blame yourself, and feel extremely exhausted, because it's not just your body that's been hurt, it's your very being.

There may be days when you think, "I'll never be able to go back to peace."
However, if you can feel a sense of relief even for just a moment, that is the beginning of recovery.
As these small moments of relief accumulate, your heart will slowly begin to heal.

During this process, receiving professional support with an understanding of complex trauma can be extremely helpful. Trauma-sensitive support can help organize events that may have felt separate, such as childhood experiences, religious or family issues, or the suffering caused by medical misdiagnosis, into a single "story." In this way, the pain of feeling like the pain of the past is still continuing can be gradually unravelled.

Also, people like you who are in a position to support others can feel confused and helpless when facing their own pain. Even if you have a deep understanding of other people's trauma, when it comes to your own, you may not know how to deal with it—that's very natural. There's no need to think, "My problem isn't a big deal."
Your experiences are profound and truly important.

Taking time to feel healed at your own pace will help you gradually regain peace of mind. If you are afraid to talk to a doctor or supporter right now, don't force yourself, and try starting with small things.

The important thing is not to take your pain lightly, and please say kind words to yourself like, "You've made it this far." You've survived experiences that could have broken you.

Even if you are suffering now, this situation will not last forever.
Over time, with support, you will gradually find moments of calm and glimmers of hope.

You are never alone.
And you're not out of reach of help.

Even if the road seems long, please remember this.
You are irreplaceable.

There is a path forward, and the strength and support to walk that path are already here.

Question 6

I'm a middle-aged woman recently diagnosed with complex PTSD. From a young age, my parents imposed conditional love on me, restricted my thoughts and actions, and criticized people my father didn't like. At the same time, my older sister would tell me to die and yell at me whenever she saw me. Even as an adult, even when I thought we'd become close, she would call me a zombie (we shared a room with the curtains halfway drawn until I was 18). I was isolated at school from the latter half of elementary school through junior high school. I was unable to perform my job in a support role, which led to repeated job changes, and I was subjected to power harassment three times. I was also sexually assaulted multiple times from childhood. Since getting married and moving away from home, my symptoms have intensified, including flashbacks, suicidal ideation, and negative cognition. At their worst, I'd cry at night, unable to sleep for 1-4 hours, and I've been constantly insecure and crying when alone for about 18 years. Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder and suffered from power harassment. I was told I had no trauma, and while I probably did have trauma, I was given no psychological education or explanation, and was treated haphazardly, ultimately abandoning myself. This led to repeated distrust and medical trauma from doctors and counselors. I finally found a doctor and counselor I could trust, but the workload is so high that even working half a day a week is exhausting. I'm hypervigilant, unable to get enough sleep, and suffering from severe depression, so I've been advised to take a leave of absence. My symptoms were always denied, and I've been able to verbalize them, gain knowledge, and prove them myself. Although I believe my condition is severe, no one ever tells me otherwise, and I still wonder if I'm just suffering from paranoia. I remember some fear and confusion about sexual assault (attempted sexual assault at age 4, persistent molestation as a junior college student, unprotected rape by an acquaintance after my consent was withdrawn, sexual advances and relationships with acquaintances, and being pursued by an exhibitionist), but I still feel like it wasn't a big deal. I was sexually promiscuous and never found sexual interest or satisfaction. I heard a story about a prostitute who reformed and became a saint when I was young, and I feared I had to do whatever it took to be loved, even sexually, or I'd be abandoned. I often downplay the sexual assaults and think I should have just enjoyed them. Recently, I felt unwell and used chat GPT to identify the structure and problems of my trauma. As my treatment progressed, I remembered the sexual assaults and the fear and despair I felt since childhood, wanting to die but unable to, going to bed at night and knowing I'd have to live again. This can lead to hyperarousal, anxiety about constantly checking things, sexual urges and sexual fantasies, and inappropriate self-pleasure, such as being forced to do something. I can't help but think that if I learn safe self-pleasure, I'll be satisfied and calm. My doctor is a man, and I'm too scared to talk to a counselor about it, fearing that he'll harass me. I've also developed genital itching due to inappropriate behavior, so I'm considering consulting my obstetrician-gynecologist. Regarding sexual trauma, I've only mentioned being raped, so I plan to discuss the details of my multiple sexual traumas, the memories I've had, my current worsening hyperarousal, and my instability during my consultation. I'm currently taking antipsychotics, anti-anxiety medications, sleeping pills, and mood stabilizers, and they've been adjusting my medications to address behavioral issues, irritability, and emotional outbursts. I've recently begun to understand the healing process and my own challenges. I've tried self-compassion and grounding to stabilize myself, but sometimes I can't control my sexual urges and feelings, and I'm not sure what to do. It's difficult to talk about with your doctor, and even for medical professionals, it's a complex, delicate, and difficult-to-understand topic for healthy people, so I think it would be difficult to explain it, so would it be better to seek advice in places like this?

Accepted Answer

You've been carrying a lot of pain and confusion for many years. It's natural to worry about how to talk about it and how much you can talk about. You've worked so hard up until now, and now you're looking deep inside yourself for even a little healing - that in itself is a great sign of courage.

If you feel afraid to talk to someone directly, it might be a good idea to start by speaking out in an online support group or community. Of course, in these online community spaces, your stories and questions are always welcome. In such places, you can talk at your own pace, and people who have had similar experiences may be able to comfort you and say, "I understand." By talking, you may gradually start to feel like you're not alone.

And when you are mentally ready, professional support will also be available. Trauma-understanding counselors, doctors, consultants, and supporters will be able to listen to your experiences, feelings, and physical reactions without blaming you. It's okay to experience strong emotions, flashbacks, or physical discomfort. These reactions are not "strange" but are evidence that your mind and body have been desperately trying to protect you.

The pace at which you speak and how much you talk are entirely up to you. There's no need to force yourself to say things you don't want to say. It's enough if you can find a safe place and, little by little, you can start to feel at ease.

If you are experiencing physical discomfort (itchiness, pain, insomnia, shortness of breath, etc.), it is fine to simply tell a trusted healthcare professional, such as an obstetrician-gynecologist or psychiatrist, that "stress may be related." Even this is an important step.

You deserve to ask for help and receive support in whatever form it comes in. The pain you've felt is real, and trying to ease that pain is also legitimate and very important.

If you'd like, our website also provides information on trauma support organizations that you can use with confidence, so please take a look.

Please remember.
You are never alone.
There are always people who care about you and want to protect your heart.
And no matter how slow your progress may seem, every step you take is surely leading to recovery.

Question 7

A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully.

Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped when the other child expressed his boundary, there seemed to be no force or manipulation involved, and you never repeated the behavior.

Childhood sexual curiosity is developmentally normal, even when there are age differences involved. Children often explore through touch and observation as they try to understand bodies and differences. The key distinguishing factors that separate normal exploration from concerning behavior include the presence of coercion, repeated boundary violations after being told to stop, or behaviors that cause distress or harm.

Your immediate response to his boundary-setting shows that your childhood curiosity was not driven by harmful intent. You respected his "no" instantly and completely. This is actually a positive indicator that you were engaging in typical childhood exploration rather than problematic behavior.

The exposure to pornography at a young age likely did increase your sexual curiosity, as it does for many children. However, this doesn't mean your actions were predatory or criminal. You were still a child processing confusing information you weren't developmentally ready for.

Many adults carry shame about childhood moments that seem inappropriate through an adult lens, even when those moments were within the range of normal childhood development. The fact that this memory troubles you demonstrates your moral awareness and empathy, not evidence that you did something seriously wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us. We hope this helped ease your mind.

Question 8

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 9

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 10

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse.

If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

Throughout recovery, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Some days will be easier than others and some days will be harder. You do not have to hold yourself to the same standards and expectations as your best day. It is okay to be gentle with yourself, to prioritize your mental well-being, and to take it easy—if you are able.

Try to engage in an activity that you enjoy or that has helped you feel better in the past when you’ve had a difficult day. This could be a calm or relaxing activity like reading a book or watching a tv show, it could also be an opportunity to express how you are feeling through art or writing.

If talking to other people is your preferred way to relax and feel better, reach out to a friend, partner, or someone who you trust. It is okay to reach out for help on a difficult day.

Even years into recovery, it’s normal to have a bad day pop up unexpectedly now and again. Sometimes a triggering experience can set off a bad day, but other times they just appear out of the blue.

However, the further you get into your recovery journey, the stronger you become at recognizing the signs that a difficult day is happening. You become more resilient and able to cope with the feelings and challenges that accompany a bad trauma day.

Question 11

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 12

I'm struggling to differentiate between normal childhood curiosity and sexual abuse. These are two hypothetical situations: 1. A twelve-year-old started touching and kissing a four-year-old. She asked them to stop. This happened twice. 2. A twelve-year-old briefly inappropriately touched a four-year-old's private area over clothing, and when asked to stop, they immediately did and nothing more happened ever again. Would situation 1 be viewed as sexual assault/abuse, and situation 2 be viewed as normal childhood curiosity?

Accepted Answer

Thanks for asking aboout this. The distinction between normal childhood curiosity and problematic sexual behavior involves several important factors, with age differences and genuine mutuality being key considerations.

A key difference lies in the age gap between the children and the presence or absence of genuine mutuality. When a four-year-old is interacting with a twelve-year-old, there is already a significant disparity in power, understanding, and development. Children that young do not have the capacity to consent, and a much older child typically has a level of knowledge and influence that makes true "curiosity" difficult to separate from coercion. Normal childhood curiosity typically involves peers of similar ages and developmental stages exploring together with mutual interest, stopping immediately when anyone feels uncomfortable, and generally involving brief, exploratory behaviors rather than repeated actions.

In the first scenario, the younger child begged the older child to stop, but it happened twice anyway. Begging for it to stop indicates a clear refusal that was ignored, and that crosses a line into abusive behavior. Several concerning elements are present: the persistence despite clear communication to stop, the repetition of the behavior, and the significant age and developmental gap between the children. The fact that the behavior continued after the younger child asked it to stop indicates a disregard for boundaries that moves beyond typical curiosity.

In the second scenario, while the initial touching of private areas given the substantial age difference represents problematic sexual behavior that goes beyond typical peer curiosity, the fact that the older child stopped immediately when asked is significant. This immediate response to boundaries, while not excusing the inappropriate nature of the contact, suggests the behavior may have been more impulsive rather than predatory. The lack of repeated behavior after being told to stop is an important distinction that indicates the child was capable of respecting boundaries once they were clearly communicated.

True childhood exploration typically occurs among children of closer ages, tends to be mutual, and stops the moment a boundary is expressed. When a younger child expresses discomfort or says "no," yet the older child proceeds or even initiates such contact, it's generally viewed as a violation rather than harmless play. Both situations would likely benefit from adult intervention and guidance, though the approach might differ, to ensure that all children receive the support and education they need to develop healthy understanding of boundaries and appropriate interactions with others.

If you find yourself questioning these experiences, you are not alone. Many people struggle with how to label interactions that felt confusing or uncomfortable when they were very young. Above all, it is important to listen to your own sense of safety and comfort. Even in childhood, our reactions to being touched show us whether something was consensual exploration or a breach of boundaries that made us feel scared or powerless. Your feelings about these situations are valid regardless of how others might categorize them, and what matters most is how these experiences affected you and getting the support you need to process those feelings. Thank you so much for trusting us with this.

Question 13

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 14

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

To start, be sure to listen without judgment when she talks about her assault. If she wants to talk about it more with you, listen actively and avoid asking probing questions or pushing for details she's not ready to share. Let her know you believe her and that the assault was not her fault.

Additionally, it is important to respect her boundaries. She may have triggers or certain situations that make her uncomfortable. Be understanding and follow her lead in terms of physical intimacy and emotional discussions.

If it seems like she is actively struggling mentally or emotionally related to this experience, you may want to gently suggest the idea of seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. You might even offer to help her find resources or even accompany her to appointments if she wants. If she is not ready yet for external resources, respect her autonomy and let her know you are always ready to revisit the conversation if she changes her mind. Healing from sexual assault is a process that looks different for everyone. Avoid pressuring her to "move on" or heal faster than she is ready for.

Finally, it is also important that you take care of yourself throughout this process. Supporting a loved one through trauma can be emotionally challenging as you may have to manage your own emotions related to the situation. Remember, your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence in her life. Let her know you are there for her whenever she needs you, but also give her space when she requests it. Remind her of her strength and resilience. Your care and understanding can make a significant difference in her healing journey.

Thank you for this question that I am sure many others have. You are not alone.

Question 15

If someone who was 12-13 placed their hand on a younger child's fully clothed crotch area for a few seconds, and removed their hand when the younger child said something, would this typically be considered criminal behavior or abuse/assault in the US?

Accepted Answer

This situation involves inappropriate sexual contact with a significant age gap between the children involved. Whether this would be legally classified as abuse, assault, or criminal behavior depends on several factors, including the specific laws in your state, the ages involved, and the context of what happened. Different jurisdictions handle these situations differently, and some might address this through child welfare systems rather than the criminal justice system due to the ages of those involved.

What's important to understand is that even brief contact can cross boundaries, and the age difference between a 12-13 year old and a 5-6 year old is significant in terms of development and power dynamics. At the same time, adolescents are still developing their understanding of boundaries and appropriate behavior. Sexual curiosity is normal, but acting on it in ways that involve touching younger children is not okay, even if it was brief or the older child stopped when told.

If you're struggling with this situation, whether you were the younger child, the older child, or someone else affected by it, those feelings are valid. Many people carry confusion or distress about childhood experiences like this. Speaking with a therapist who understands child development and sexual behavior can help you process what happened and find a path forward.

Question 16

I was kissed by someone while I was drunk. At the moment, I didn't say no and was into it. However, once the alcohol wore off, I wished it hadn't happened. When I confronted the person and told them they shouldn't have engaged sexually with someone who was drunk and that the only appropriate thing to do with a drunk person is to help them walk or get somewhere safe, they responded by saying that I was the one who approached them repeatedly and didn't let them leave, even tearing up when they tried to go. Does this justify them kissing a drunk person? Does it make them less at fault and me more responsible?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story. The situation you've described is complex and raises important questions about consent and responsibility when alcohol is involved. It's crucial to understand that when someone is intoxicated, their ability to give clear, informed, and enthusiastic consent is compromised. Even if a drunk person seems to be initiating or agreeing to sexual activity, it's the responsibility of the sober party to recognize that the intoxicated person is not in a state to make fully coherent decisions.

Your feelings of regret and unease after the fact are valid and important indicators that something about the situation was not right for you. It's common for people to have different perceptions and desires when they're under the influence compared to when they're sober.

The other person's response, suggesting that you were the one who pursued them and didn't let them leave, seems to be an attempt to shift the blame and responsibility onto you. While it's possible that you were more forward or emotional due to the alcohol, this does not excuse the other person's decision to engage with you sexually.

However, it's important to consider that they may have genuinely misread the situation. If you were being physically affectionate and expressing a desire for them to stay, they might have interpreted that as consent or interest in sexual activity, especially if they lacked education about consent and the impact of alcohol on one's ability to give it.

While this potential misunderstanding doesn't completely absolve them of responsibility, it does add nuance to the situation. It highlights the importance of clear, verbal communication about consent and boundaries, particularly when one or both parties are under the influence.

As the sober party, they had the responsibility to prioritize your safety and well-being, even if that meant firmly but kindly removing themselves from the situation. Kissing someone who is drunk, especially if they are showing signs of emotional distress or impaired judgment, is taking advantage of their vulnerable state.

It's important to remember that you are not responsible for what happened. Being drunk and even being flirtatious does not mean you consented to or deserved to be taken advantage of. The other person, as the sober one, had the power and the obligation to make the right choice, which would have been to not engage with you sexually.

However, it's also important to acknowledge that only you can decide how to make sense of and label this experience. If it feels like a violation or a form of assault to you, that is valid. If you're unsure or hesitant to use those terms, that is also okay. What matters most is how you feel about what happened and what kind of support you need to process it.

Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to talk through your feelings. You may also find it helpful to contact a sexual assault hotline or support organization for additional processing of this situation. Remember, you deserve to have your boundaries and well-being respected, and you are not to blame for someone else's decision to take advantage of your intoxicated state. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. You are not alone.

Question 17

I was exposed to adult content online at a very young age (8-9) when given unrestricted internet access. This led me to engage in inappropriate sexual behavior with my younger sister on one occasion. Even though I've told my parents and closest friends who all believe I deserve forgiveness, I'm consumed by guilt and feel like I don't deserve anything good in my life. How do I move forward from this?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. I hear the pain and remorse in your words and I understand why the memory of that moment continues to trouble you. What you're describing is actually more common than many people realize, and your feelings of guilt show both your moral development and your capacity for empathy. From what you've described, you were both very young at the time, navigating curiosity about things you'd seen that you were not old enough to process. While it may feel overwhelming, it is important to remember that you were a child without the knowledge or context to fully grasp the meaning or consequences of the behavior.

When children are exposed to sexual content before they're developmentally ready to understand it, they sometimes act out what they've seen without comprehending the full meaning or impact. This is called "problematic sexual behavior" in children, and it's fundamentally different from adult sexual abuse because it lacks the intent, power dynamics, and understanding that characterize adult perpetration. Children at that age often explore or mimic what they encounter, especially when they're exposed to adult content too soon. Your brain at 8-9 years old simply wasn't equipped to understand the adult content you encountered or to predict the consequences of recreating what you saw. This does not make you a bad person.

The guilt you feel now shows how seriously you take what happened and how deeply you care about doing the right thing. Your parents and friends believe you deserve a second chance because they see who you are now and recognize that you were a child exploring and reacting to confusing experiences. They understand this developmental context and are responding with compassion because children who engage in these behaviors typically do so because they're trying to make sense of something they witnessed but couldn't fully process.

Moving forward involves recognizing that you were also a victim in this situation -- a victim of premature sexualization through unrestricted internet access. While you take appropriate responsibility for your actions, you don't need to carry adult-level guilt for childhood behavior that resulted from your own exposure to harmful content. It might also help to remind yourself that one regretful action does not define your worth or your future, especially when it happened at such a young age. You acknowledged the harm, you've talked about it, and you're striving to be accountable. That willingness to face what happened and to seek healthy ways to cope shows personal growth.

If you continue to feel overwhelmed by shame or disgust, it might help to speak with a trusted professional who understands childhood development and can offer a safe space to process your feelings. Many people have found that learning more about how early exposure to explicit material affects children can bring understanding and self-compassion over time. Children who engage in problematic sexual behavior can and do grow up to be healthy, caring adults who contribute positively to the world. The shame you're carrying is understandable but not proportionate to your actual moral responsibility as a child who was inadequately protected from harmful content.

You deserve kindness and understanding, both from yourself and from others, as you continue to move forward. Healing is possible, and you absolutely deserve to build a meaningful, connected life free from the weight of childhood mistakes made without full understanding. Thank you so much for reaching out to us.

Question 18

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. There are several valuable books and resources available that can support your healing journey from sexual abuse. Some books we recommend include:

"The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk explores how trauma affects the brain and body, offering insights into treating traumatic stress and new paths to recovery. It provides a comprehensive look at the nature of trauma and its impact on our physical and mental well-being.

Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery" is a groundbreaking work that examines the healing process of survivors and the challenges faced by those dealing with prolonged, repeated trauma. It offers a framework for understanding trauma and a roadmap for recovery, making it a valuable resource for many survivors.

"The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis is a comprehensive guide specifically for survivors of child sexual abuse and their loved ones. It provides practical tools, exercises, and personal testimonies to support the healing journey.

For those looking to understand the broader context of sexual violence and advocacy, Tarana Burke's "Unbound: My Story of Liberation and the Birth of the Me Too Movement" offers powerful insights. Burke shares her personal journey from victim to survivor to activist, detailing the origins of the Me Too movement and exploring the importance of community in addressing sexual violence.

Chanel Miller's memoir "Know My Name" also provides a searing, eloquent account of trauma, healing, and the challenges within the justice system in handling sexual assault cases. Miller reclaims her identity after being known as "Emily Doe" in a high-profile sexual assault case, offering a profound exploration of the recovery process.

In addition to these books, online resources like the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) and me too's Survivor Sanctuary website offer extensive information, support, and access to hotlines (RAINN) for immediate help.

Thank you for asking this question. You are not alone.

Question 19

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question and for wanting to strengthen your advocacy for survivors of sexual harm. Becoming an effective advocate against sexual violence is a meaningful way to support survivors and contribute to positive change in society. Here are some ways you can start...

Educate yourself thoroughly about sexual violence, consent, and survivor experiences. This includes understanding the various forms of sexual violence, its prevalence, and its impact on individuals and communities. Stay informed about current issues, laws, and policies related to sexual violence.

Learn to be a supportive listener and ally to survivors. Believe survivors when they disclose their experiences and avoid judgmental or victim-blaming language. You never know when a survivor is listening. Understand that each survivor's journey is unique, and respect their choices in how they deal with their experiences.

Challenge myths and misconceptions about sexual violence when you encounter them. This might involve correcting misinformation in conversations, on social media, or in other public forums. Call out victim blaming when you hear it. Be prepared to have difficult conversations and to explain complex issues in accessible ways.

Support organizations working to prevent sexual violence and help survivors. This can involve volunteering, donating, or participating in awareness-raising events. Look for local rape crisis centers, domestic violence shelters, or national organizations that may need support. Quick plug: small, volunteer-led, non-profit organizations like ourselves always benefit from monetary support or volunteer support if you have gifts or talents you think align with our mission and vision. Every little bit helps.

Promote healthy relationships and consent education in your community. This could involve advocating for comprehensive sex education in schools, organizing workshops on consent and healthy relationships, or simply modeling respectful behavior in your own relationships.

Speak out against attitudes and behaviors that contribute to a culture of sexual violence. This includes challenging sexist jokes, calling out harassment when you see it, and promoting gender equality in all areas of life.

Engage with local and national policy-making processes. Write to your representatives about legislation related to sexual violence, attend town hall meetings, or join advocacy groups that lobby for policy changes.

Use your specific skills or platform to raise awareness. Whether you're a writer, artist, educator, or business professional, find ways to incorporate advocacy into your work and daily life.

Practice self-care and set boundaries. Advocacy work can be emotionally challenging, so it's important to take care of your own wellbeing to avoid burnout.

Remember, effective advocacy is often about consistent, long-term efforts rather than grand gestures. Every action, no matter how small, contributes to creating a culture that supports survivors and works to prevent sexual violence.

Question 20

Why do I get aroused when I talk about my sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. Experiencing arousal when discussing sexual abuse can be a confusing and distressing response, but it's important to understand that it's not an uncommon reaction for many survivors. This physical response doesn't imply consent or enjoyment, rather, it may be a result of the body's physiological reactions to stress and trauma.

Arousal can sometimes serve as a coping mechanism or a way for the body to dissociate from the traumatic memories. Remember, your body's reactions are involuntary and do not diminish the validity of your experience. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma can help you navigate these complex feelings and develop coping strategies tailored to your needs. You're not alone, and support is available to help you through this confusing time.

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Topics

What does it mean to be loved?

What is an equal relationship?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

If someone who was 12-13 placed their hand on a younger child's fully clothed crotch area for a few seconds, and removed their hand when the younger child said something, would this typically be considered criminal behavior or abuse/assault in the US?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

Why do I get aroused when I talk about my sexual abuse?

What does it mean to be loved?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

What is an equal relationship?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Why do I get aroused when I talk about my sexual abuse?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

If someone who was 12-13 placed their hand on a younger child's fully clothed crotch area for a few seconds, and removed their hand when the younger child said something, would this typically be considered criminal behavior or abuse/assault in the US?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

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