Find Answers to Your Questions ~ NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth Community

Question 1

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your feelings about this deeply personal experience. It's understandable that you're grappling with guilt and confusion as you reflect on what happened when you were younger. The guilt and concern you feel shows that you understand boundaries now in ways you didn't as a child, and that recognition is actually a sign of healthy development and empathy.

When you were 11 years old, you were still very much a child, learning about yourself and the world around you. At that age, children often explore and test boundaries as part of their development, sometimes without fully understanding the appropriateness of their actions. Childhood sexual behaviors exist on a wide spectrum, and what you're describing falls into what many experts consider exploratory behavior that can occur during normal childhood development. At age 11, children are naturally curious about bodies and physical sensations, but they lack the cognitive development to fully understand concepts like consent, power dynamics, or the potential impact of their actions.

The age difference you mention does create a power imbalance that makes this behavior concerning, but it's important to understand that as an 11-year-old, you likely didn't have the developmental capacity to fully grasp these dynamics. Children often act on curiosity and physical impulses without the ability to predict or understand consequences the way adults do. Your brain was still developing the capacity for abstract thinking, impulse control, and understanding complex social and emotional consequences. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it provides important context for understanding why it happened.

The fact that you now realize the behavior wasn't appropriate and that you feel remorse shows your growth and awareness. It's a sign of your moral development and empathy. Feeling guilty indicates that you care deeply about others and understand the importance of respecting boundaries. Many adults carry guilt about childhood behaviors that they later recognize as inappropriate or harmful. This guilt, while painful, often reflects growth and the development of a more sophisticated understanding of relationships, boundaries, and consent. The fact that you stopped this behavior and feel remorse suggests that your moral reasoning developed normally as you matured.

It's important to be compassionate with yourself. While you can't change the past, you can acknowledge your feelings and use this awareness to inform how you engage with others now. If these feelings of guilt continue to weigh heavily on you or if this experience continues to cause you distress, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual behavior can be incredibly helpful. They can provide personalized support to help you process these feelings and develop healthy coping strategies.

Remember, making mistakes is a part of being human, and recognizing them is a crucial step toward personal growth. You deserve compassion and support as you work through these difficult emotions, including compassion for the child you were who was still learning about the world. Be kind to yourself as you navigate these complex feelings.

Question 2

When I was 16, my 15-year-old boyfriend pressured me into sexual activity at a party. I have autism and struggle with social cues. I didn't want to do it but nodded after he kept begging. I never told him to stop, but afterwards I left and threw up. I felt very uncomfortable afterward but never told him. Was this assault? Is it valid if the other person was younger?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this deeply personal experience. It sounds like a difficult situation, and your feelings about it are important. While I can provide information and perspective based on what you've shared, only you can decide how to label what happened to you. No one else can tell you how to feel about it or what to call it. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are.

The situation you've described has many elements that imply that it may have been sexually coercive. Let's talk about sexual coercion. This is when someone pressures or tricks another person into sexual activity they don't want. It can include:

Asking over and over until the person gives in
Making the person feel guilty for saying no
Threatening to end the relationship if the person doesn't agree

In your situation, your boyfriend kept asking even though you didn't want to. This is a form of pressure. Even though you nodded, you shared that you did not really want to do it. True consent means both people are happy and excited to participate. Consent should be enthusiastic, freely given, and can be revoked at any time. Pressure or coercion, even from a partner, does not allow for true consent.

It's important to know that:

It doesn't matter that he was younger. Anyone can pressure someone else, regardless of age.
You don't have to say "no" out loud for it to count as not wanting something.
Feeling sick afterwards is a sign that something wasn't right for you.

Your autism might make it harder to understand social situations or express your feelings. This is not your fault. Your boyfriend should have paid attention to your comfort, not just looked for a nod.

It's a common misconception that assault only occurs when someone explicitly says "no." In reality, the absence of an enthusiastic "yes" should be treated as a "no." Your reluctance and the need for repeated convincing should have been respected as a lack of consent.

It's understandable to feel conflicted about this, especially given your relationship with him and your own challenges with social communication. However, it's important to recognize that you're not responsible for his actions. He should have been more attentive to your comfort and willingness.

Moving forward, it might be helpful to speak with a therapist who specializes in autism and trauma. They can help you process this experience and develop strategies for clearer communication in future relationships. Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's okay to set boundaries and expect them to be respected, regardless of your neurodiversity or the age of your partner.

Most importantly, remember that healing is a personal journey. How you choose to label or process this experience may change over time, and that's okay. Your feelings and interpretations are valid at every stage of your healing process. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 3

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. We receive a lot of questions about COCSA and I encourage you to read some of our other answers that relate to this as well as our recent blog post that summarizes what we know about it for more information.

COCSA stands for Child on Child Sexual Abuse. It refers to sexual activity between children that involves coercion, force, or lack of consent. Determining whether sexual behavior between children is abusive depends on factors like whether there is a significant age or developmental difference, use of force, coercion, or manipulation, and how the children feel about what happened.

Some sexual play and exploration between similarly-aged children is normal and healthy. Typical childhood sexual play is spontaneous, voluntary, lighthearted, easily diverted, balanced in power, and occurs between friends. Concerning signs include one child exerting power over the other, secrecy, strong emotions like anger or anxiety, and behaviors that are compulsive or adult-like.

Unfortunately, research on COCSA is still emerging and resources can be limited.

Some key takeaways are:

Sexual abuse between children is more common than many realize. As many as 40% of children who are sexually abused are abused by older, or more "powerful" children.
It can be hard to tell the difference between normal sexual play and abuse. Context, power dynamics, secrecy and consent are important factors to consider.
Effects of COCSA are similar to sexual abuse by adults, including shame, trauma, relationship difficulties and mental health challenges. All children involved need support.
There is still a lot of stigma and lack of understanding around this issue. More research, resources and supports are badly needed.

Thank you for asking a question about this important topic. We appreciate it.

Question 4

As someone with OCD, I'm struggling with guilt over childhood sexual experimentation that occurred when I was about 14. This involved fully-clothed body rubbing with three female friends, including my 11-year-old stepsister. It was consensual and happened a few times. My therapist says this wasn't abuse, given my lack of ill intent and my own childlike status at the time. However, I'm worried because some definitions suggest such experimentation could be considered abuse. I had no understanding of arousal or orgasms then, and my stepsister has confirmed she never felt wronged. As a mother now, this guilt is affecting my adult life. Can you provide clarity on whether this constitutes Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), considering the circumstances?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. It takes courage to share such a personal experience and seek clarity. It's evident that this situation has caused you significant distress, and your concern reflects a deep sense of empathy and responsibility.

It's important to recognize that your feelings of guilt and worry are valid, even as we examine the context of the situation. While only you and the people you did this with can label the experiences you described, my assessment is the behaviors you shared--consensual, clothed body rubbing with peers during your early adolescence--generally fall within the realm of normal childhood sexual exploration, rather than abuse.

It's also significant that your therapist, who has a comprehensive understanding of your history, has assessed that this wasn't abuse. Their professional opinion, combined with the lack of force, coercion, or ill intent on your part, and the fact that your stepsister has confirmed she never felt wronged, all point towards this being a case of age-appropriate exploration rather than COCSA.

Your OCD may be causing you to hyperfocus on this past event, magnifying your feelings of guilt and worry. While these feelings are understandable, it's important to try to view this situation in the context of normal childhood development. Your lack of understanding about arousal or orgasms at the time further suggests that your actions were not sexually motivated in an adult sense.

Moving forward, it may be helpful to continue working with your therapist on strategies to manage these intrusive thoughts and feelings. Remember, your concern about this shows your strong moral compass and your commitment to being a caring, responsible person and mother. It's okay to acknowledge that while you're worried about your past actions, the context and circumstances suggest that you did not cause harm or engage in abusive behavior.

Healing from anxiety and intrusive thoughts about past experiences is a journey. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work through these feelings. Your dedication to understanding and doing the right thing is clear, and that in itself is a positive attribute. Thank you for trusting us with this. Be gentle with yourself. You are not alone.

Question 5

When I was around 6-7, my older sister (11-12) would initiate 'tongue kissing' with me. While I never verbally objected, I felt uncomfortable and guilty afterward. I had forgotten about this until recently (I'm now 22), but these memories keep surfacing. I'm struggling with physical intimacy in my relationships and wonder if there's a connection. I have several questions. Am I overreacting to these memories?
Could my mind be fabricating these experiences?
Is it possible there were other incidents I can't remember? Could this be related to my difficulty with physical intimacy in relationships? I also suspect my sister may have been sexually abused herself, though I'm not certain.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. Your memories and feelings are completely valid, and you are not overreacting. What you're describing was inappropriate sexual contact, though it's important to recognize that your sister was a child herself. Memory gaps and delayed recognition of childhood trauma are common protective responses of our brains. Children sometimes engage in inappropriate behavior without fully understanding the impact of their actions, often due to natural curiosity or, sometimes, their own experiences of abuse.

Many survivors develop difficulties with physical intimacy later in life, which can manifest as discomfort with touch, emotional disconnection during intimate moments, or anxiety about sexual activities. These are normal responses to early boundary violations. The fact that these memories are surfacing now, along with questions about possible gaps in your memory, is also very common with childhood trauma. Our minds often protect us by tucking away difficult experiences until we're better equipped to process them.

Building healthy intimacy takes time and patience. This might involve establishing clear boundaries with partners, practicing "time-outs" during physical intimacy when needed, and starting with simple forms of touch like hand-holding before progressing at your own pace.

Your sister's young age adds a complex layer to process. While her age provides context and may help explain her actions, it doesn't invalidate your feelings or minimize the impact these experiences have had on you. Whether or not she understood the implications of her behavior at the time, your feelings of discomfort and their lasting effects are completely valid.

A trauma-informed therapist can help you process these memories safely, understand their impact on your relationships, and develop healthy intimacy skills at your own pace. They can help you navigate the complicated feelings that arise when the person who caused harm was also a child themselves, as well as address any concerns about memory gaps or recovered memories. We appreciate you reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 6

Can two younger children (e.g. ages 9-11) consent to sex? I don't believe they can. But if no adult is around to monitor what's going on,  how does the child on the receiving end of the other child's behavior (initiated and lead by the other child) classify their experience? If they don't know what they are consenting to, and no isn't an option for them,  is this abuse? This was my experience and I struggle so much with accepting what happened as being abuse. But I have all the hallmark signs of having been abused as a child.

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry that you experienced this and are struggling with the impact and meaning of it. What you're describing sounds distressing and violating, even though both people involved were children.

You're absolutely right that legally children ages 9-11 cannot meaningfully consent to sex, regardless of whether an adult is present. Children that age are not developmentally capable of understanding or consenting to sexual activity. If one child initiates sexual behaviors and the other child feels unable to refuse or stop what's happening, that is very concerning. It's not truly consensual, even if the child didn't overtly say no, since the pressure and power dynamics make it impossible for them to freely choose.

At the same time, it's important to recognize that not all sexual behaviors between children are inherently abusive. Some degree of sexual curiosity and exploration between children of similar ages is considered normal and not necessarily harmful, as long as there is mutual agreement, no coercion, and it doesn't cause distress.

However, when one child pressures or forces sexual activity on another, there is a significant age/power difference, or it happens frequently or in a compulsive way, that crosses the line into abuse. If you experienced sexual activity with another child that felt overwhelming, violating or traumatic, your feelings are completely valid. It's okay to define and label your experience as abuse. Even if the other child didn't intend harm, if you were negatively impacted, that matters. No one else can dictate how you feel about what happened to you.

All children have the right to have their boundaries respected and to be free from coercive and unwanted sexual experiences. Struggling to accept what you experienced as abuse is so understandable, especially since it doesn't fit the stereotype of an adult perpetrator. But this absolutely can be an abusive experience with lasting harmful impacts, as you know firsthand. Your feelings of violation are real and valid.

There is still a lot we don't understand about child sexual development and behavior. More research is needed to better distinguish between harmless experimentation vs. harmful abuse. But in general, any sexual activity that is unwanted, coercive or distressing to one or more of the children involved is not okay and can be significantly damaging, regardless of ages.

I hope you can begin to extend compassion to your younger self and recognize that you did nothing to deserve this harm. It might help to imagine a child you love going through this - would you see it as their fault? You deserve the same grace and gentleness with yourself.

Healing from COCSA is a difficult journey. I'm so sorry you've had to carry this alone. I hope you're able to access good therapeutic support to process your experiences, learn to trust your own feelings, and begin to reclaim your sense of worth and autonomy. What happened to you matters, and support is available.

Wishing you all the best on your healing path. Please remember that you're not alone.

Question 7

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience. What you shared sounds like unwanted and repeated sexual touching that continued despite your clear physical boundaries. Sexual assault refers to any unwanted sexual contact without consent, regardless of whether clothes were involved or not. The fact that you repeatedly pushed his hand away clearly communicated your lack of consent, yet he persisted and even escalated by moving his hand higher.

Yes, unwanted touching, even over clothing, can be considered a form of sexual assault or sexual harassment. However, it's important to recognize that only you have the right to define and label your own experiences. Some people find that naming what happened helps them process their feelings and seek appropriate support, while others may find labels constraining or not fully reflective of their personal experience. Whatever terminology feels right to you—or choosing not to use specific terms at all—is completely valid.

Consent is essential in any physical interaction, and you have the absolute right to determine who touches you, when, and how - regardless of your relationship with that person, what you're wearing, or whether you're in a social situation like having drinks together.

Many survivors question their experiences, especially when the person who violated their boundaries was someone they knew and trusted. This self-doubt is common and doesn't invalidate what happened. It's completely understandable that you're feeling unsettled by what happened. Trust your instincts and feelings about this situation. Your discomfort was real and valid.

It's important to acknowledge that this behavior is not your fault, and you didn't do anything wrong. The responsibility for respecting boundaries always lies with the person initiating touch. You deserve to feel safe and respected in all situations, including when spending time with friends. Your body autonomy matters in all circumstances.

Healing from boundary violations takes time, and it's okay to seek support. If you're comfortable, consider talking to someone you trust about what happened—whether that's a friend, family member, or a professional who can offer support and guidance. Remember, you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help. Taking care of yourself is the priority, and reaching out is a brave first step. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 8

I'm struggling with uncertainty about traumatic events from my childhood. While I'm certain something inappropriate occurred, I worry I might be unintentionally exaggerating the details in my mind. Since it involved another child, I sometimes question if it was harmful behavior or more typical childhood interactions. How can I cope with these doubts and conflicting memories?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your concerns about these difficult childhood experiences. Your feelings and doubts are valid. Memory, especially of distressing events, can be complex and sometimes unclear. It's not uncommon for individuals who have had potentially traumatic childhood experiences to question their recollections or worry about the accuracy of their memories. This uncertainty doesn't invalidate your experiences or feelings.

When it comes to processing difficult past events, it's crucial to understand that everyone's journey is unique. Some individuals find comfort and clarity in labeling their experiences, as it can help them make sense of what happened and validate their feelings. Others may prefer not to use specific labels, finding that approach more conducive to their healing process. Both approaches are entirely valid, and what matters most is what feels right and helpful for you personally.

There are several ways to cope with these doubts and conflicting memories. Seeking professional support from a therapist experienced in childhood issues can be incredibly helpful. They can provide a safe environment for you to process your experiences and emotions, as well as teach techniques for managing anxiety and intrusive thoughts related to your memories. Practicing self-compassion is also crucial - be kind to yourself as you navigate these complex emotions and remember that your feelings are valid, regardless of the specific details you recall or how you choose to categorize your experiences.

While the exact details of past events may be unclear, your current emotions and need for healing are real and deserving of attention. Focus on your present feelings and needs rather than trying to perfectly reconstruct the past. Journaling about your thoughts and feelings can help you process them and potentially bring clarity over time. When doubts become overwhelming, using grounding techniques can help bring you back to the present moment.

Remember, healing is not dependent on having a perfect recollection of events or fitting your experiences into a specific category. What matters most is acknowledging your feelings, seeking support, and focusing on your well-being in the present. Your journey towards understanding and processing your past is valid and important, regardless of the specifics of your memories or how you choose to describe them. If these thoughts continue to cause significant distress, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional for personalized support. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 9

I've experienced abuse from multiple people throughout my life. When I've tried to share my story before, others have asked me to stop because they found it too difficult to hear. I want to share my experiences in a way that might help other survivors/ victims, but I'm unsure if this is an appropriate space. Is it okay to share a longer, complex story about survival here?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us enough to consider sharing your story. It must have been difficult to have others ask you to stop sharing in the past - that experience alone can feel like another layer of silencing on top of what you've already endured. Living through multiple experiences of abuse is already overwhelming; being unable to fully share your truth adds another burden you shouldn't have to carry.

Yes, this is absolutely an appropriate place to share your full story. This platform was created specifically to provide a safe space for survivors to share their experiences without censorship or judgment, no matter how complex or lengthy they may be. Many survivors find that being able to tell their complete story, in their own words and at their own pace, can be an important part of their healing journey. The anonymous nature of this platform allows you to share freely while maintaining your privacy and safety.

As you prepare to share, I want to offer some gentle considerations to help you feel supported in the process. Consider taking breaks while writing if memories feel overwhelming, and have some grounding tools ready if needed. Remember that you're in control of your narrative - you can share as much or as little detail as feels right for you, and you can use content warnings to help other readers prepare themselves. There's no rush, and you can take all the time you need.

Many survivors have found that seeing others' complete stories helped them feel less alone in their own experiences. Your story, in its entirety, could be that light for someone else. Sharing anonymously is just as valid and courageous as telling someone face to face - sometimes even more so, as it allows others to find comfort in your words when they need it most.

We're here to support you in this process. Thank you so much for trusting us with your experiences. You are not alone.

Question 10

I had an experience when I was young with another boy around my age which involved guilt tripping and other types of emotional manipulation into oral sex. It really impacted me, but I often struggle with feeling like my experience doesn't matter or isn't as serious as other forms of abuse despite all the research I did on the subject indicating it was child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). How can I learn to accept that what happened impacted me and learn not to compare my experiences to others?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. I want to start by affirming that your experience absolutely matters, and the impact it had on you is valid and real. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) is a serious form of sexual violence that can have lasting effects on survivors, regardless of the age of the person who harmed you.

It's common for survivors of COCSA to struggle with minimizing their own experiences or comparing their trauma to others. Society often perpetuates the myth that abuse by another child isn't as harmful as abuse by an adult, or that boys can't be victims of sexual violence. These messages can make it difficult for survivors to acknowledge the weight of their own trauma and seek support.

However, it's crucial to remember everyone's trauma is unique. Trauma is not only determined by the events you have gone through, but also how you experienced those events and the ultimate effect those events have had on you. In this way, the severity of your experience is not measured by the specific acts that occurred, but by the emotional, psychological, and physical impact on you as an individual. Guilt-tripping, emotional manipulation, and coercion are all forms of abuse, even if physical force was not used. You were subjected to a violation of your boundaries, autonomy, and trust, and that is not something to be minimized. Learning to validate your own experiences and emotions is a process, but there are steps you can take to work towards self-acceptance and healing.

To start, remind yourself that your feelings are valid. When you catch yourself minimizing your experience, take a moment to pause and affirm your own emotions. You might say to yourself, "What happened to me was real, and it's okay to feel hurt/angry/scared/etc." You also want to challenge any negative self-talk you notice yourself having. When thoughts like "it wasn't that bad" or "others have it worse" come up, try to reframe them. Remind yourself, "My experience is not less significant because someone else had a different experience. My pain is valid."

It is also important to recognize that you deserve support and community. I would encourage you to seek support from a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual trauma. A professional can help you process your emotions, work through feelings of self-blame or doubt, and develop coping strategies for managing triggers and symptoms. You may also benefit from connecting with other survivors, either through support groups or online communities. Hearing others' stories and sharing your own can help combat feelings of isolation and validate your experiences.

Finally, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a loved one in your situation. Acknowledge that healing is a process, and be patient with yourself as you navigate complex emotions. Remember, your experience is unique to you, and it's not helpful or necessary to compare it to anyone else's. What you went through was traumatic, and you deserve support, validation, and care as you heal. You are not alone in this journey and you do not need to go through this alone. You have a community of survivors behind you. Do not be afraid to claim that as your own.

Question 11

When I was around 13, my mother would ask me to massage her back, legs, and bottom area while she was unclothed on her bed. She would use a plastic tool with soap. I'm wondering if this was appropriate behavior from a parent, especially since I feel like if a father asked this of a daughter, it would be seen as inappropriate.

Accepted Answer

Thanks for reaching out to us. It sounds like this memory is creating a lot of discomfort and uncertainty for you, and that's completely understandable. Your instincts about this situation are absolutely valid, and I want to acknowledge how much courage it takes to ask this question. What you've described crosses important boundaries that should exist between parents and children. Being expected to massage a parent's body in an area that normally would be private can violate important boundaries between a child and an adult.

Although every family has different routines around touch, it is widely recognized that asking a child of your age to massage a parent's bare buttocks and legs crosses the line of what is generally considered acceptable caregiving or affection between a parent and child. You're right to recognize that this behavior was inappropriate. It involved unnecessary nudity and physical contact that placed you in an uncomfortable position as a child. It doesn't necessarily matter who is in the role of parent, mother or father, if the situation leaves you feeling that your boundaries were overlooked or that you were placed in an inappropriate position.

Healthy parent-child relationships maintain appropriate physical boundaries, especially as children enter adolescence. Parents should not put their children in situations that involve intimate physical contact or nudity, regardless of how it might be framed or justified. Children deserve to feel safe and respected, and that includes being able to say "no" to touch that feels uncomfortable. Being put in a position where it doesn't feel possible to say no suggests a breach of that safety.

It's normal to question this behavior, especially as an adult looking back, and to feel unsettled that it happened. If you're feeling lingering unease or confusion about these experiences, that in itself is significant and worth acknowledging. It's common for survivors of boundary violations to question their own perceptions, especially when the inappropriate behavior came from someone who was supposed to protect them. Your feelings about this experience, whatever they may be, are completely valid.

What you experienced was not your fault, and you deserved to have your boundaries respected. If these memories continue to weigh on you, it might help to talk about them with someone you trust or with a professional who understands childhood and family boundary issues. Organizations like RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) offer confidential support and can help connect you with local resources. You deserve support and clarity in coming to terms with any experiences that may have been confusing, distressing, or that simply never sat right with you. Your wellbeing matters, and there are people who understand and want to help.

Question 12

When I was 4 I was in nursery and the kids decided they wanted to play doctors and they started touching each others genitals. I didn't want to play but they said I was sick so I had to and they held me down and touched me and pretended to do surgery on my vulva. I cried and they nursery workers came in and told them to stop. I feel like it was so long ago no one would care or believe me but I think about it all the time and I feel like it's my fault. Is it COCSA? I don't know what to do I'm so embarrassed.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your story with us. What happened to you in nursery school was not your fault, and it's important to acknowledge that you were a child who didn't want to participate in that game. The other children disregarded your feelings and your boundaries, which was not okay.

Feeling embarrassed, thinking about it often, and questioning whether anyone would care are all common reactions to such experiences. Many survivors of childhood experiences like yours carry feelings of shame, embarrassment, or self-blame into adulthood. These are common reactions, but it's completely understandable that this event has stayed with you. Being held down and touched against your will can be a deeply distressing experience, regardless of how much time has passed.

Only you can determine how to label or understand your experience. What's important to recognize is that there were clear elements of force involved - you said no, you were held down against your will, and you were crying, which prompted the nursery workers to intervene. These are indicators that your boundaries were violated. While some children do engage in exploratory play, what distinguishes concerning interactions is the presence of force, coercion, or a significant power imbalance - elements that appear to have been present in your situation.

You did nothing wrong. You expressed that you didn't want to play, and your choices should have been respected. The responsibility lies with those who ignored your wishes, not with you. A 4-year-old child cannot be responsible for being victimized by others. The nursery workers' intervention confirms they recognized the situation was inappropriate. It's also understandable to feel that others might not believe you or that it happened so long ago that it doesn't matter. However, your feelings are valid, your experience matters, and what happened to you is significant.

Memories from early childhood can have lasting impacts, and it's entirely valid that this experience still affects you. If you're comfortable, consider reaching out to someone you trust, such as a close friend, family member, or a mental health professional. Many people find that speaking with a trauma-informed therapist helps process these early experiences and reduce their emotional impact.

You are not alone, and there are people who care and want to help. Healing is possible at any age, no matter how long ago the experience occurred. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 13

My ex-boyfriend would pressure me into saying "yes" to sexual acts, even when I was too intoxicated to properly consent, not enthusiastic, or uncomfortable with parts of what he was doing. He's a nice guy who supports victims, so I don't think it was intentional. How do I know if this was sexual assault/abuse or if I was just bad at communicating?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. I can share what I think based on the context you gave, but know that ultimately your interpretation of your experiences is totally up to you.

What you're describing does sound like sexual abuse, even if your ex-boyfriend seemed like a nice person. Pressuring someone into sexual activity, pursuing sex with a person who is too intoxicated to consent, and ignoring a partner's expressed discomfort are all forms of coercion and assault. Consent should be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific. It doesn't sound like your "yes" met those criteria.

It's common for people who experience sexual abuse, especially from a partner, to struggle with self-doubt and blame. You may find yourself making excuses for his behavior or wondering if you somehow communicated poorly. But the truth is, the responsibility lies with the person who violated your consent and bodily autonomy. No matter how nice he seemed in other contexts, his actions in those moments were not okay.

Your partner should have prioritized your comfort, checked in with you, and respected any hesitation. Being too intoxicated means you couldn't fully consent. A lack of enthusiasm is not a "yes." Any sign of discomfort should have led him to stop immediately and talk with you. His failure to notice these things suggests he was willfully ignoring the signs that you weren't fully on board.

It's understandable to feel confused and conflicted, especially if parts of the relationship felt good. Abusers aren't always bad in every way. But someone who violates consent and pressures a partner into unwanted sexual acts is being abusive in those moments, whatever their other qualities. You didn't deserve to be treated that way, and it wasn't your fault.

It's also important to recognize that we live in a society where men often aren't properly taught about consent. Many boys and men internalize harmful ideas about being entitled to sex or needing to convince reluctant partners. These toxic norms do not excuse abusive behavior, but they may contribute to why some men fail to recognize or respect the nuances of consent. It's possible your ex-boyfriend had absorbed these unhealthy messages, which then played out in your relationship. Again, this doesn't make his actions okay, but it adds important context.

Ultimately, only you can define your experiences and decide what labels feel true to you. No one else gets to tell you what you've been through or how you should feel about it. If these experiences felt violating and traumatic, then it's valid to name them as abuse or assault. Trust your own emotions and reactions. You're the expert on your story.

Healing from sexual abuse can be a difficult journey, but you don't have to do it alone. I would encourage you to reach out to a counselor or call an abuse hotline to talk through your experiences in more depth. With time and support, it's absolutely possible to process this trauma and come to a place of clarity and peace. You're not alone, and you didn't do anything wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 14

How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with your feelings. You are not alone. It is entirely normal to wish for a calmer mind and to wonder when you'll finally get some peace from such painful, conflicting memories. While four months can feel like an eternity when you are struggling, it makes sense that your mind still feels busy and exhausted. It sounds like you have a lot to process. Your brain is doing important work right now, even though it feels overwhelming and tiring.

I wish I could give you a defined amount of time, but unfortumately there isn't a universal timeline for when your mind will feel calm again because healing isn't linear and everyone's journey looks different. Four months can sometimes seem like ages, but it often takes longer than we expect for our minds and hearts to quietly process what happened. You have been through a deeply distressing experience, and it's understandable that your thoughts still feel like they're spinning. The tiredness you're feeling is real and valid.

Healing from emotional and sexual harm can feel like riding an emotional rollercoaster. Your memories of the hurt may crash into thoughts of tender times that make you question everything. Many survivors notice waves of regret, anger, sorrow, and even occasional nostalgia, all intermingling. This does not mean that the difficult times weren't real or that your experiences weren't valid. Our minds are wired to recall the good alongside the bad, which can be confusing, yet it's also part of how we gradually come to terms with what we endured. When someone who hurt us was also sometimes caring or loving, it can create a kind of mental tug-of-war. You might find yourself questioning your decision, missing certain aspects of the relationship, feeling angry about the harm, or all of these things at once. All of those reactions are normal responses to a complicated situation.

Over time, these waves usually become less intense, and small moments of calm begin to expand. Though it may not feel like it in the moment, the busyness in your mind can subside. Healing tends to come in steps rather than in giant leaps, and often it's only in looking back that we realize our minds and hearts have become notably quieter. Processing memories of harm, especially when they're tangled up with moments of care or connection, takes enormous emotional energy, and it's genuinely exhausting work.

What often helps people move toward feeling calmer is having support during this process. The feeling of being alone that you mentioned can make everything feel heavier. If you can, consider talking to a support system you trust--someone who can hear you without dismissing your feelings. Reaching out to professionals or organizations that specialize in trauma support may also help you find edges of calm. These conversations can be a chance to unravel the thoughts that haunt you and learn gentle tools for coping. The loneliness you feel now can lessen when you allow yourself to share what you're going through, at your own pace and with people who truly understand. You don't have to process all of these memories and feelings by yourself.

It's not easy to handle so many memories. You deserve compassion from yourself just as much as from others. Until then, be kind to yourself as best you can, and remember you are not alone. There are people who care and who stand ready to remind you that you deserve peace, gentleness, and a future free from the chaos of these memories. Thank you for trusting us with this. We are here for you along your journey towards healing.

Question 15

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this important question. Processing sexual abuse without immediate access to professional help can be challenging, but is often necessary in a world where mental health support can be costly and inaccessible. There are other strategies and resources out there that can support your healing journey. Here are some suggestions on how you might begin to process sexual abuse without a therapist or counselor:

1. Self-help books: There are many books written by experts and survivors that offer guidance and coping strategies.

2. Journaling: Writing about your experiences and feelings can be therapeutic. We have linked an online journaling tool created by me too international that we think can be helpful. If you prefer a physical journal that has self-guided prompts, there are many out there (we also have one for sale in our shop).

3. Online support groups or virtual communities: These can provide a sense of community, support, and shared understanding from others who have experienced similar things as you.

4. Mindfulness and meditation: These practices can help manage anxiety, reduce stress, promote emotion regulation, and decrease intrusive thoughts.

5. Creative expression: Art, music, or other creative outlets can be powerful healing tools.

6. Physical exercise: Regular physical activity can help manage stress and improve mood. This does not need to be formal exercise in a gym (though it can be). It can also include walking in nature, dancing to your favorite music, gentle stretching or yoga at home, gardening, swimming, or any form of movement that feels good to you. The key is to find activities that you enjoy and that make you feel connected to your body in a positive way. Remember, the goal is not to push yourself too hard, but to engage in movement that feels nurturing and empowering.

7. Photography: Use photography to explore and capture moments that feel healing or empowering to you. This can help you focus on positive experiences and track your healing journey visually.

8. Celebrate small victories: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small it might seem. This can boost your motivation and reinforce positive changes.

9. Set and celebrate healing goals: Establish realistic, achievable goals for your healing process and celebrate when you reach them. This can provide a sense of direction and accomplishment.

As a reminder, these methods aren't replacements for professional help, but they can be valuable tools in your healing process. Healing is a personal journey, and what works for one person may not work for another. It's okay to try different approaches and find what feels right for you. If professional help becomes available, consider taking advantage of it. If you feel that you are in crisis or in need of immediate support, access this free online survivior support hotline. Your wellbeing is important, and you deserve support in your healing journey.

Question 16

I'm struggling with conflicting feelings about a sexual encounter that occurred while intoxicated. My friend and I were both drunk and engaged in sexual activity. While she remembers more details and feels comfortable with what happened, I have partial memory loss from that night and am experiencing intense guilt and shame. She says I initiated the encounter, but I can't clearly remember how things progressed. I'm having difficulty processing these feelings, especially given the role alcohol played in affecting consent and memory. How can I understand and work through these complex emotions?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out about this complex situation. The confusion, guilt, and shame you're experiencing are understandable reactions to an encounter that involved alcohol, memory gaps, and questions about consent. These feelings can become even more complicated when processing same-sex encounters, especially if this was a new experience or if you're still exploring your identity and orientation.

When we experience partial memory loss from alcohol, it can be particularly distressing to learn about our actions during those gaps. Not being able to fully remember what happened or how things progressed can leave us feeling vulnerable and uncertain about our own role in events. This uncertainty can be amplified when the encounter challenges or questions our understanding of our own sexuality or relationships with close friends.

Society often fails to provide clear frameworks for understanding intimate encounters between women, which can add additional layers of confusion and shame. Women's same-sex experiences are frequently either hypersexualized or dismissed entirely, making it harder to process these experiences within broader cultural contexts. This societal ambiguity, combined with the complex dynamics of close female friendships, can make it especially challenging to understand and set boundaries.

Your feelings of guilt and shame, even though your friend feels differently about the encounter, are valid emotional responses. The disconnect between your friend's memory and comfort level with what happened versus your own feelings of distress can create additional confusion and emotional turmoil. This might be further complicated by concerns about how this encounter affects your friendship, your identity, or your understanding of your own sexuality.

It's important to understand that alcohol significantly impacts our ability to make decisions, remember events clearly, and give or recognize meaningful consent. When both people are intoxicated, the lines of consent and responsibility become even more complex. The fact that you're questioning and reflecting on this shows a thoughtful awareness about the importance of clear consent in intimate encounters.

You might consider speaking with a trauma-informed therapist or LGBTQ+-affirming counselor who understands the nuances of same-sex experiences and issues of consent. They can help you process these feelings within the context of your identity and relationships, while working through the complex emotions surrounding consent, alcohol, and intimate encounters. This could help you understand your feelings better and develop healthy ways to move forward.

If you're comfortable, you might also have a sober conversation with your friend about how this has affected you. Sometimes understanding more about what happened, while acknowledging that alcohol affected both your judgment and ability to consent, can help process the experience. However, only do this if you feel it would be helpful for your emotional well-being and the preservation of your friendship.

Remember to be gentle with yourself as you process this experience. Questioning our actions and feeling remorse shows moral awareness, but excessive self-blame isn't helpful for healing and growth. Your feelings about this encounter don't have to define your identity or your relationship with your friend. Thank you for trusting us with this question. You are not alone.

Question 17

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. When discussing sexual behavior among children or adolescents of similar ages, it's important to be sensitive to the developmental nuances surrounding healthy sexual exploration and areas where coercion can occur. Coercion in these contexts can take various forms, but generally involves pressuring or manipulating someone into sexual activity they're not comfortable with or ready for.

Some behaviors that might be considered coercive include: persistent pressure or begging after being told "no"; using guilt or emotional manipulation; making threats; ignoring clearly stated boundaries or requests to stop; taking advantage of someone who is intoxicated or otherwise unable to consent; using physical force or intimidation; and blackmail or threats to reveal private information or images.

It's crucial to teach young people about consent, healthy relationships, and respecting others' boundaries. Any sexual activity should be mutually agreed upon, with both parties feeling comfortable and free to change their minds at any time.

Healthy exploration in childhood typically involves:

Age-appropriate curiosity and activities
Mutual consent and comfort from all involved
Equal power dynamics (similar age, developmental stage, etc.)
Respect for boundaries and privacy
No coercion or pressure
Ability to stop activities without negative consequences

Potentially problematic behaviors experienced in childhood may include:

Large age gaps or significant differences in developmental stages
Lack of mutual consent or enthusiasm
Pressure, coercion, or manipulation
Ignoring expressed discomfort or attempts to stop
Secrecy enforced through threats or shame
Mimicking adult sexual behaviors beyond age-appropriate understanding
Causing physical or emotional distress

If you're concerned about a specific situation involving minors, it's best to consult with a child psychologist, school counselor, or other professional trained in adolescent development and sexuality. They can provide more tailored guidance and support. In addition, ChildHelp has an online chatline which can provide personalized support and resources in this area.

Question 18

When I was young (6 years old), another child my age asked me to get inside a playhouse and then kissed me and licked my mouth repeatedly during playtime. I remember feeling uncomfortable from the moment he asked me to "be mommy" and later feeling horrified. I've been stressed about this experience for a long time. Was this child-on-child sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you're describing sounds like it was deeply uncomfortable and violating, and I can understand why you've carried stress about this experience for so long. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) generally refers to sexual interactions between children where there is a lack of consent, an imbalance of power, or where one child is coerced or manipulated into sexual activity. It can also include situations where one child's boundaries are violated, even when both children are the same age. Only you can determine what language feels right for your own experience and whether this term resonates with what happened to you.

What you're sharing tells me that you felt uncomfortable from the very beginning and that those feelings intensified into horror. Those responses matter deeply. Even at six years old, our bodies and minds can recognize when something doesn't feel right or safe, and your discomfort was a valid signal that your boundaries were being crossed. At the same time, it's important to understand that six-year-olds are still in the very early stages of learning about boundaries, consent, and social cues. Young children are developing their ability to recognize and respond to other people's body language and verbal signals, and they may not yet have the skills to understand when someone is uncomfortable or to stop behavior that's harmful. This developmental reality doesn't change the impact this experience had on you or make what happened appropriate, but it does provide context for understanding that young children are still learning these essential social and emotional skills.

Regardless of how you choose to name this experience, what matters most is that it affected you. The fact that you felt uncomfortable, that you remember feeling horrified, and that you've carried stress about this for years tells us that this experience was significant and harmful to you. You don't need to fit your experience into any particular category for it to matter or for your feelings to be valid. Trauma isn't determined by labels or definitions—it's determined by how an experience impacts you. Your body remembers feeling unsafe, and the emotional weight you've carried is real and deserving of acknowledgment.

Many people who had similar childhood experiences struggle with questions about whether what happened "counts" or whether they have a right to be affected by it. The truth is that if this experience has stayed with you and caused you distress, then it was significant, and you deserve support in processing it. You have every right to seek help and to honor your own feelings about what happened. Healing often begins when we stop questioning whether our pain is valid and start giving ourselves permission to acknowledge the impact something had on us. You deserve care, validation, and support as you work through this. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 19

I went to a bar with a friend and we both drank heavily. Towards the end of the night, the sober waiter kissed me without my clear consent, then told me to wait until his shift ended so we could leave together. My friend encouraged the kiss and gave him my number without asking me. I didn't want to kiss him or wait for him. I felt guilty and sick the next day when he called. This happened 9 years ago but still makes me uncomfortable. Was this sexual assault or just inappropriate behavior?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this experience. It sounds like you're still wrestling with complicated feelings about that night, which is completely normal. When alcohol is involved and you feel pressure, whether from a friend or from the person who kissed you, figuring out whether true consent was present can be confusing. Consent should always be mutual, informed, and absent of any pressure or impairment. If you were uncomfortable with him kissing you and didn't clearly want it, that's an important part of your own sense of what happened. Even if your friend encouraged you, you still had the right to decline. No one else can decide for you what you should or shouldn't do with your body.

What you experienced represents a significant boundary violation that involved multiple concerning elements. A sober person in a position of service taking advantage of someone who had been drinking heavily creates a power imbalance that makes true consent nearly impossible. The waiter's behavior showed a troubling disregard for your ability to make informed decisions in your intoxicated state, and the pressure you felt from multiple directions created a situation where your true wishes weren't respected or prioritized.

It's not unusual for unsettling thoughts about a past experience to linger, especially if you felt your boundaries may have been overlooked or if you felt out of control of the situation. Whether you label it as sexual assault or consider it an instance of someone pushing past what you were truly okay with, your discomfort is valid and significant. Your body and mind are giving you important information through these lasting feelings of discomfort nine years later. Trauma responses don't follow neat timelines or definitions. They respond to violations of safety, autonomy, and consent.

After all these years, it's understandable that you still feel uneasy. The feelings of guilt you experienced are unfortunately common but entirely misplaced. You did nothing wrong. The responsibility lies with the person who chose to pursue someone who was clearly intoxicated and unable to give informed consent. You might find it helpful to talk through these feelings with someone you trust, like a counselor or a close confidant, and to remind yourself that it wasn't your fault for wanting to keep your boundaries. Whatever language you choose to describe that night, your discomfort matters and you deserve support as you come to terms with how it affected you. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 20

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates.  How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Accepted Answer

Hello! Thank you for asking this question. If you would like to add an update to your story, go to https://community.ourwave.org/find-story and enter your email connected to your story to get a secure update link. Once you have that link, you will be able to update your story. Please reach out to hello@ourwave.org if you have any additional questions related to this!

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When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

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