Find Answers to Your Questions ~ NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth Community

Question 1

When I was around 6-7 years old, another child of a similar age repeatedly pressured, emotionally manipulated, and guilt-tripped me into engaging in oral sex. Despite me saying no numerous times, he continued to pressure me until I eventually complied. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question and I am so sorry you experienced this. Based on the information you've shared, it sounds like what you experienced could be child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). The repeated pressure, emotional manipulation, and guilt-tripping to engage in sexual acts, even though you both were young, is concerning and may constitute abusive behavior. Your repeated refusals should have been respected, and the fact that the other child continued to coerce you until you complied suggests a violation of your boundaries and autonomy.

It's essential to understand that consent is a crucial aspect of any sexual interaction, and children at such a young age cannot provide informed consent. If the other child's actions made you feel uncomfortable, pressured, or violated, your feelings are valid, and you are not to blame for what happened.

COCSA can have lasting effects on survivors, similar to those experienced by survivors of adult-perpetrated sexual abuse. It's common to feel confusion, guilt, or shame, but it's crucial to remember that you were a child who was manipulated and coerced into a situation you did not want to be in.

It's important to recognize that only you can define your experiences and how they have impacted you. Everyone processes and understands their trauma differently, and there is no right or wrong way to feel about what happened to you. Trust your own perceptions and emotions, and don't let anyone minimize or invalidate your experiences.

If you feel that you need support in processing these experiences, seeking help from a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse can be incredibly beneficial. They can provide a safe space for you to explore your emotions, work through the trauma, and develop coping strategies.

Remember that you are not alone, and there are resources and support systems available to help you on your healing journey. Your experiences are valid, and your feelings matter. Be gentle with yourself and know that healing is possible.

We appreciate you reaching out and are here for you.

Question 2

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. We receive a lot of questions about COCSA and I encourage you to read some of our other answers that relate to this as well as our recent blog post that summarizes what we know about it for more information.

COCSA stands for Child on Child Sexual Abuse. It refers to sexual activity between children that involves coercion, force, or lack of consent. Determining whether sexual behavior between children is abusive depends on factors like whether there is a significant age or developmental difference, use of force, coercion, or manipulation, and how the children feel about what happened.

Some sexual play and exploration between similarly-aged children is normal and healthy. Typical childhood sexual play is spontaneous, voluntary, lighthearted, easily diverted, balanced in power, and occurs between friends. Concerning signs include one child exerting power over the other, secrecy, strong emotions like anger or anxiety, and behaviors that are compulsive or adult-like.

Unfortunately, research on COCSA is still emerging and resources can be limited.

Some key takeaways are:

Sexual abuse between children is more common than many realize. As many as 40% of children who are sexually abused are abused by older, or more "powerful" children.
It can be hard to tell the difference between normal sexual play and abuse. Context, power dynamics, secrecy and consent are important factors to consider.
Effects of COCSA are similar to sexual abuse by adults, including shame, trauma, relationship difficulties and mental health challenges. All children involved need support.
There is still a lot of stigma and lack of understanding around this issue. More research, resources and supports are badly needed.

Thank you for asking a question about this important topic. We appreciate it.

Question 3

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. When discussing sexual behavior among children or adolescents of similar ages, it's important to be sensitive to the developmental nuances surrounding healthy sexual exploration and areas where coercion can occur. Coercion in these contexts can take various forms, but generally involves pressuring or manipulating someone into sexual activity they're not comfortable with or ready for.

Some behaviors that might be considered coercive include: persistent pressure or begging after being told "no"; using guilt or emotional manipulation; making threats; ignoring clearly stated boundaries or requests to stop; taking advantage of someone who is intoxicated or otherwise unable to consent; using physical force or intimidation; and blackmail or threats to reveal private information or images.

It's crucial to teach young people about consent, healthy relationships, and respecting others' boundaries. Any sexual activity should be mutually agreed upon, with both parties feeling comfortable and free to change their minds at any time.

Healthy exploration in childhood typically involves:

Age-appropriate curiosity and activities
Mutual consent and comfort from all involved
Equal power dynamics (similar age, developmental stage, etc.)
Respect for boundaries and privacy
No coercion or pressure
Ability to stop activities without negative consequences

Potentially problematic behaviors experienced in childhood may include:

Large age gaps or significant differences in developmental stages
Lack of mutual consent or enthusiasm
Pressure, coercion, or manipulation
Ignoring expressed discomfort or attempts to stop
Secrecy enforced through threats or shame
Mimicking adult sexual behaviors beyond age-appropriate understanding
Causing physical or emotional distress

If you're concerned about a specific situation involving minors, it's best to consult with a child psychologist, school counselor, or other professional trained in adolescent development and sexuality. They can provide more tailored guidance and support. In addition, ChildHelp has an online chatline which can provide personalized support and resources in this area.

Question 4

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates.  How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Accepted Answer

Hello! Thank you for asking this question. If you would like to add an update to your story, go to https://community.ourwave.org/find-story and enter your email connected to your story to get a secure update link. Once you have that link, you will be able to update your story. Please reach out to hello@ourwave.org if you have any additional questions related to this!

Question 5

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this important question. Processing sexual abuse without immediate access to professional help can be challenging, but is often necessary in a world where mental health support can be costly and inaccessible. There are other strategies and resources out there that can support your healing journey. Here are some suggestions on how you might begin to process sexual abuse without a therapist or counselor:

1. Self-help books: There are many books written by experts and survivors that offer guidance and coping strategies.

2. Journaling: Writing about your experiences and feelings can be therapeutic. We have linked an online journaling tool created by me too international that we think can be helpful. If you prefer a physical journal that has self-guided prompts, there are many out there (we also have one for sale in our shop).

3. Online support groups or virtual communities: These can provide a sense of community, support, and shared understanding from others who have experienced similar things as you.

4. Mindfulness and meditation: These practices can help manage anxiety, reduce stress, promote emotion regulation, and decrease intrusive thoughts.

5. Creative expression: Art, music, or other creative outlets can be powerful healing tools.

6. Physical exercise: Regular physical activity can help manage stress and improve mood. This does not need to be formal exercise in a gym (though it can be). It can also include walking in nature, dancing to your favorite music, gentle stretching or yoga at home, gardening, swimming, or any form of movement that feels good to you. The key is to find activities that you enjoy and that make you feel connected to your body in a positive way. Remember, the goal is not to push yourself too hard, but to engage in movement that feels nurturing and empowering.

7. Photography: Use photography to explore and capture moments that feel healing or empowering to you. This can help you focus on positive experiences and track your healing journey visually.

8. Celebrate small victories: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small it might seem. This can boost your motivation and reinforce positive changes.

9. Set and celebrate healing goals: Establish realistic, achievable goals for your healing process and celebrate when you reach them. This can provide a sense of direction and accomplishment.

As a reminder, these methods aren't replacements for professional help, but they can be valuable tools in your healing process. Healing is a personal journey, and what works for one person may not work for another. It's okay to try different approaches and find what feels right for you. If professional help becomes available, consider taking advantage of it. If you feel that you are in crisis or in need of immediate support, access this free online survivior support hotline. Your wellbeing is important, and you deserve support in your healing journey.

Question 6

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience. What you shared sounds like unwanted and repeated sexual touching that continued despite your clear physical boundaries. Sexual assault refers to any unwanted sexual contact without consent, regardless of whether clothes were involved or not. The fact that you repeatedly pushed his hand away clearly communicated your lack of consent, yet he persisted and even escalated by moving his hand higher.

Yes, unwanted touching, even over clothing, can be considered a form of sexual assault or sexual harassment. However, it's important to recognize that only you have the right to define and label your own experiences. Some people find that naming what happened helps them process their feelings and seek appropriate support, while others may find labels constraining or not fully reflective of their personal experience. Whatever terminology feels right to you—or choosing not to use specific terms at all—is completely valid.

Consent is essential in any physical interaction, and you have the absolute right to determine who touches you, when, and how - regardless of your relationship with that person, what you're wearing, or whether you're in a social situation like having drinks together.

Many survivors question their experiences, especially when the person who violated their boundaries was someone they knew and trusted. This self-doubt is common and doesn't invalidate what happened. It's completely understandable that you're feeling unsettled by what happened. Trust your instincts and feelings about this situation. Your discomfort was real and valid.

It's important to acknowledge that this behavior is not your fault, and you didn't do anything wrong. The responsibility for respecting boundaries always lies with the person initiating touch. You deserve to feel safe and respected in all situations, including when spending time with friends. Your body autonomy matters in all circumstances.

Healing from boundary violations takes time, and it's okay to seek support. If you're comfortable, consider talking to someone you trust about what happened—whether that's a friend, family member, or a professional who can offer support and guidance. Remember, you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help. Taking care of yourself is the priority, and reaching out is a brave first step. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 7

Someone rubbed their hand up my inner thigh in a sexual way without my consent. Although it happened 10 years ago it is playing on my mind now. Part of me is telling myself that it isn't a big deal as it was only my inner thighs that were touched and that I am making a mountain out of nothing. I think this thinking is doing more harm than good as I keep going into a thought spiral. How do I stop this kind of thinking and is that form of touching assault?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this and I am sorry you feel like you are spiraling. What you're describing - unwanted sexual touching without consent - could certainly be considered sexual assault, but it's entirely up to you how you want to think about and label your experience. There's no requirement to use any particular term, and only you can decide what words feel right for you in understanding what happened. But I want to be very clear: you are not making a mountain out of nothing.

It's very common for people who've experienced unwanted sexual contact to minimize their experiences, especially when the touching didn't match what society often portrays as "serious enough." This self-doubt and minimization is actually a very normal response, but you're right in recognizing that these thought patterns are causing you additional distress. Your body and mind are telling you this event was significant, and it's important to listen to and honor those feelings rather than trying to dismiss them.

The fact that this is surfacing now, ten years later, is also completely normal. Our minds often process difficult experiences when we feel safe enough to do so, or when something in our current life triggers those memories. There's no timeline for processing these experiences, and you're not "overreacting" by having feelings about it now.

When these thought spirals occur, try to respond to yourself with the same compassion you would show a friend in a similar situation. Would you tell them they were overreacting? Would you measure the impact of unwanted touching by which body part was touched? You deserve that same gentleness and validation.

Consider working with a therapist who specializes in trauma. They can help you develop tools to manage these thought spirals and process your experience in a safe, supported way. However you choose to understand or label what happened, your feelings are valid, your response is normal, and you deserve support in healing from this experience. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 8

When I was 16, my 15-year-old boyfriend pressured me into sexual activity at a party. I have autism and struggle with social cues. I didn't want to do it but nodded after he kept begging. I never told him to stop, but afterwards I left and threw up. I felt very uncomfortable afterward but never told him. Was this assault? Is it valid if the other person was younger?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this deeply personal experience. It sounds like a difficult situation, and your feelings about it are important. While I can provide information and perspective based on what you've shared, only you can decide how to label what happened to you. No one else can tell you how to feel about it or what to call it. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are.

The situation you've described has many elements that imply that it may have been sexually coercive. Let's talk about sexual coercion. This is when someone pressures or tricks another person into sexual activity they don't want. It can include:

Asking over and over until the person gives in
Making the person feel guilty for saying no
Threatening to end the relationship if the person doesn't agree

In your situation, your boyfriend kept asking even though you didn't want to. This is a form of pressure. Even though you nodded, you shared that you did not really want to do it. True consent means both people are happy and excited to participate. Consent should be enthusiastic, freely given, and can be revoked at any time. Pressure or coercion, even from a partner, does not allow for true consent.

It's important to know that:

It doesn't matter that he was younger. Anyone can pressure someone else, regardless of age.
You don't have to say "no" out loud for it to count as not wanting something.
Feeling sick afterwards is a sign that something wasn't right for you.

Your autism might make it harder to understand social situations or express your feelings. This is not your fault. Your boyfriend should have paid attention to your comfort, not just looked for a nod.

It's a common misconception that assault only occurs when someone explicitly says "no." In reality, the absence of an enthusiastic "yes" should be treated as a "no." Your reluctance and the need for repeated convincing should have been respected as a lack of consent.

It's understandable to feel conflicted about this, especially given your relationship with him and your own challenges with social communication. However, it's important to recognize that you're not responsible for his actions. He should have been more attentive to your comfort and willingness.

Moving forward, it might be helpful to speak with a therapist who specializes in autism and trauma. They can help you process this experience and develop strategies for clearer communication in future relationships. Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's okay to set boundaries and expect them to be respected, regardless of your neurodiversity or the age of your partner.

Most importantly, remember that healing is a personal journey. How you choose to label or process this experience may change over time, and that's okay. Your feelings and interpretations are valid at every stage of your healing process. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 9

I've experienced abuse from multiple people throughout my life. When I've tried to share my story before, others have asked me to stop because they found it too difficult to hear. I want to share my experiences in a way that might help other survivors/ victims, but I'm unsure if this is an appropriate space. Is it okay to share a longer, complex story about survival here?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us enough to consider sharing your story. It must have been difficult to have others ask you to stop sharing in the past - that experience alone can feel like another layer of silencing on top of what you've already endured. Living through multiple experiences of abuse is already overwhelming; being unable to fully share your truth adds another burden you shouldn't have to carry.

Yes, this is absolutely an appropriate place to share your full story. This platform was created specifically to provide a safe space for survivors to share their experiences without censorship or judgment, no matter how complex or lengthy they may be. Many survivors find that being able to tell their complete story, in their own words and at their own pace, can be an important part of their healing journey. The anonymous nature of this platform allows you to share freely while maintaining your privacy and safety.

As you prepare to share, I want to offer some gentle considerations to help you feel supported in the process. Consider taking breaks while writing if memories feel overwhelming, and have some grounding tools ready if needed. Remember that you're in control of your narrative - you can share as much or as little detail as feels right for you, and you can use content warnings to help other readers prepare themselves. There's no rush, and you can take all the time you need.

Many survivors have found that seeing others' complete stories helped them feel less alone in their own experiences. Your story, in its entirety, could be that light for someone else. Sharing anonymously is just as valid and courageous as telling someone face to face - sometimes even more so, as it allows others to find comfort in your words when they need it most.

We're here to support you in this process. Thank you so much for trusting us with your experiences. You are not alone.

Question 10

How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with your feelings. You are not alone. It is entirely normal to wish for a calmer mind and to wonder when you'll finally get some peace from such painful, conflicting memories. While four months can feel like an eternity when you are struggling, it makes sense that your mind still feels busy and exhausted. It sounds like you have a lot to process. Your brain is doing important work right now, even though it feels overwhelming and tiring.

I wish I could give you a defined amount of time, but unfortumately there isn't a universal timeline for when your mind will feel calm again because healing isn't linear and everyone's journey looks different. Four months can sometimes seem like ages, but it often takes longer than we expect for our minds and hearts to quietly process what happened. You have been through a deeply distressing experience, and it's understandable that your thoughts still feel like they're spinning. The tiredness you're feeling is real and valid.

Healing from emotional and sexual harm can feel like riding an emotional rollercoaster. Your memories of the hurt may crash into thoughts of tender times that make you question everything. Many survivors notice waves of regret, anger, sorrow, and even occasional nostalgia, all intermingling. This does not mean that the difficult times weren't real or that your experiences weren't valid. Our minds are wired to recall the good alongside the bad, which can be confusing, yet it's also part of how we gradually come to terms with what we endured. When someone who hurt us was also sometimes caring or loving, it can create a kind of mental tug-of-war. You might find yourself questioning your decision, missing certain aspects of the relationship, feeling angry about the harm, or all of these things at once. All of those reactions are normal responses to a complicated situation.

Over time, these waves usually become less intense, and small moments of calm begin to expand. Though it may not feel like it in the moment, the busyness in your mind can subside. Healing tends to come in steps rather than in giant leaps, and often it's only in looking back that we realize our minds and hearts have become notably quieter. Processing memories of harm, especially when they're tangled up with moments of care or connection, takes enormous emotional energy, and it's genuinely exhausting work.

What often helps people move toward feeling calmer is having support during this process. The feeling of being alone that you mentioned can make everything feel heavier. If you can, consider talking to a support system you trust--someone who can hear you without dismissing your feelings. Reaching out to professionals or organizations that specialize in trauma support may also help you find edges of calm. These conversations can be a chance to unravel the thoughts that haunt you and learn gentle tools for coping. The loneliness you feel now can lessen when you allow yourself to share what you're going through, at your own pace and with people who truly understand. You don't have to process all of these memories and feelings by yourself.

It's not easy to handle so many memories. You deserve compassion from yourself just as much as from others. Until then, be kind to yourself as best you can, and remember you are not alone. There are people who care and who stand ready to remind you that you deserve peace, gentleness, and a future free from the chaos of these memories. Thank you for trusting us with this. We are here for you along your journey towards healing.

Question 11

Is it appropriate for a COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) survivor to use the CSA (child sexual abuse) survivor label, or should I specifically use the COCSA label? I often feel guilty using the CSA survivor label because others have told me I shouldn't use it since my experiences "weren't as bad" or are different from adult-perpetrated abuse. While I sometimes dismiss my own experiences, COCSA is a form of CSA that has impacted my life similarly to other survivors. I'm confused about whether using the CSA label would be inappropriate.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about this with us. Your feelings of confusion about terminology are completely understandable and reflect a common struggle many survivors face when trying to name their experiences. What you experienced as a child was sexual abuse, regardless of the age of the person who harmed you. COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) is indeed a recognized form of child sexual abuse, not a separate or lesser category. The "CSA" in COCSA literally stands for child sexual abuse, affirming that your experiences fall under this broader umbrella.

The voices telling you that your experiences "weren't as bad" or that you shouldn't use certain labels are reflecting harmful misconceptions about sexual abuse. There is no hierarchy of trauma that determines whose experiences are "bad enough" to warrant support, healing, or appropriate terminology. Research consistently shows that COCSA can have profound and lasting impacts on survivors, including effects on relationships, self-esteem, sexuality, and mental health that mirror those experienced by survivors of adult-perpetrated abuse.

Labels can be incredibly helpful for some survivors as they provide validation, help connect with others who share similar experiences, and offer a framework for understanding what happened. For others, labels may feel limiting or unnecessary. You are the only person who has the right to decide how to describe your own experiences. Your right to identify with the CSA survivor community is not something that can be taken away by others' opinions about what qualifies as "real" abuse. Many COCSA survivors find connection and healing within broader CSA survivor spaces, while others prefer more specific communities or choose not to use labels at all. All of these choices are valid.

You are not appropriating anything by using the CSA label – you are accurately describing your lived experience. The tendency to minimize your own experiences is a common trauma response, but it doesn't reflect the reality of what you endured or your legitimate place in survivor communities. Trust your own understanding of what happened to you and what language, if any, serves your healing best. Thank you or reaching out to us.

Question 12

Is it sexual assault if an adult touches another adult's private parts without consent, but as a joke or to upset them rather than for sexual reasons? Also, is it considered sexual assault or COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) if a young child pressures another child into sexual acts to bully them, rather than for explicitly sexual reasons?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for these important questions. They highlight complex issues regarding consent, intent, and the definition of sexual assault.

Regarding the first scenario involving adults:

Any non-consensual touching of private parts is generally considered sexual assault, regardless of the intent behind it. The key factor here is the lack of consent, not the motivation of the person doing the touching. Whether it's done as a joke, to upset someone, or for sexual gratification, touching someone's private parts without their permission is a violation of bodily autonomy and can be deeply distressing for the person who experienced it.

It's crucial to understand that the impact on the person who experienced it is what matters most, not the intent of the person committing the act. Even if meant as a joke, such actions can cause significant trauma and are legally and ethically unacceptable. Only the person who experienced these acts, however, can truly label them. They are the expert of their own experiences.

Regarding the second scenario involving children:

When it comes to children, the situation is complex but equally serious. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) does not require the perpetrator to have explicitly sexual intent. If a child is pressuring another child into sexual acts, even if the primary motivation is to bully or upset them, it is still considered a form of sexual abuse.

The key factors here are:
1. The sexual nature of the acts
2. The element of coercion or pressure
3. The lack of informed consent (children cannot give informed consent to sexual acts)

The intent of the child doing the pressuring doesn't change the fact that sexual abuse is occurring. Whether driven by curiosity, a desire to exert power, or an attempt to bully, such behavior is harmful and requires intervention.

It's important to note that in cases of COCSA, both children involved need help and support. The child exhibiting sexually harmful behavior may themselves be a victim of abuse or may not understand the gravity of their actions.

If you or someone you know has experienced something like this, it's important to seek support. This could involve reaching out to a trusted adult, a counselor, or a sexual assault helpline. Remember, it's never the fault of the person who experienced these acts that these things happened to them. Thank you again for asking these questions.

Question 13

When I was younger, I had a couple of experiences with other children that I'm wondering about. In one situation, an older child exposed himself and tried to convince me to do inappropriate things, though I didn't. In another ongoing situation with a child closer to my age, we would find private spots to expose ourselves to each other and there was touching involved. I'm wondering if these experiences might be considered child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and asking about this. Regarding your first experience, what you described (an older child exposing himself and attempting to coerce you into sexual contact) does align with characteristics of child-on-child sexual abuse. The significant age difference (approximately 6-7 years), the coercive nature of trying to convince you to do something you did not want to do and the inappropriate sexual behavior all suggest this was abusive. The fact that you didn't comply doesn't diminish the inappropriate and harmful nature of what occurred. Your instincts protected you in that moment, and that matters.

The second experience you described is more complex, as many childhood sexual experiences fall into gray areas. When children of similar ages engage in sexual behaviors, it can sometimes be considered normal childhood sexual exploration, particularly when it's mutual, age-appropriate, and not coercive. Your current uncertainty about how you felt and who initiated it, may also indicate this experience was problematic in some ways.

It's important to understand that regardless of the specific labels we might apply to these experiences, your feelings about them are completely valid. Childhood sexual experiences, whether clearly abusive or in gray areas, can impact us in various ways. Some people experience confusion, shame, difficulty with boundaries, or challenges in relationships. Others may have few lasting effects. There's no "right" way to be affected by these experiences.

Your brain was still developing during these experiences, which means your memories may be fragmented or unclear. This is completely normal for childhood trauma. The confusion you feel about these events doesn't reflect any failing on your part--it reflects the complexity of childhood experiences and how our developing minds process them.

If these memories are causing you distress or impacting your life in ways that concern you, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual experiences can be incredibly helpful. They can provide you with personalized support and help you process these experiences in a safe environment. Remember that seeking support isn't about determining whether these experiences "count" as abuse, but about caring for yourself and any impact they may have had on your life.

Your experiences matter, your feelings about them are valid, and you deserve support and healing regardless of how these experiences might be categorized. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 14

How does sexual abuse affect the body and mind on both a biological and psychological level, and why are humans particularly vulnerable to its impacts compared to other animals? Is there an evolutionary explanation for this? I'm particularly interested in how sexual abuse and cases of Child-on-child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) affect the body and mind, as I'm trying to understand my own experiences and how different types of abuse impact people differently.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us with this question. I hope we can help you understand these complex processes in a way that supports your healing journey.

Our human capacity for deep emotional connection and meaning-making is both a gift and a source of vulnerability when it comes to trauma. Unlike other animals, we create rich social bonds and find profound meaning in our experiences. While these qualities usually enrich our lives immensely, they can also make us especially sensitive to experiences that violate our trust or sense of safety.

When we experience trauma, particularly during childhood, our bodies respond in ways that are entirely normal and protective, even though they might feel confusing or overwhelming. Think of it like your body's alarm system - it detects a threat and responds by releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. While this response helps us survive in the moment, repeated activation can lead to lasting changes in how our bodies respond to stress. Understanding this can help explain why you might find yourself feeling anxious or on alert even in safe situations - your body learned to be extra careful to protect you.

During childhood, our brains are especially adaptable, constantly learning from our experiences to help us navigate the world. When trauma occurs during these formative years, it can shape how our neural pathways develop. This is particularly relevant for understanding the impact of childhood sexual abuse, including COCSA. If you've ever wondered why certain memories, feelings, or relationship patterns feel so deeply ingrained, this biological understanding might help explain why - and more importantly, know that with support and understanding, our brains can also learn new patterns of response.

The emotional impact of trauma goes beyond these physical changes because humans naturally seek to make sense of our experiences. This meaning-making process can become especially complicated with sexual trauma, particularly when it occurs in childhood or involves someone we know. If you've struggled with complex feelings about your experiences, please know this is a natural response to an unnatural situation - your mind is trying to process something that shouldn't have happened to you.

In COCSA situations, understanding these mechanisms can be particularly helpful because the experience often comes with unique layers of confusion and uncertainty. Without clear categories of "perpetrator" and "victim," many survivors struggle to make sense of their experiences or validate their own feelings. Please know that the impact of such experiences is real and valid, regardless of the circumstances or the age of the person who caused harm.

Here's where understanding these biological and psychological mechanisms can be particularly healing-- it helps us recognize that our responses (whether they're emotional overwhelm, numbness, relationship difficulties, or other challenges) aren't signs of weakness or failure. They're our bodies' and minds' natural attempts to protect us and cope with experiences we shouldn't have had to face.

This understanding can help transform self-judgment into self-compassion. When you understand that your brain was doing its best to protect you, it becomes easier to be gentle with yourself about responses that might otherwise feel frustrating or confusing. For example, if you sometimes feel overwhelmed by emotions or find yourself disconnecting in certain situations, knowing this is your nervous system's learned protection response can help you approach these moments with more patience and understanding.

Looking forward, this knowledge can also inform your healing journey. Just as our brains adapt to protect us during trauma, they can also adapt to support healing when given the right conditions and support. This might involve working with trauma-informed therapists who understand these mechanisms, engaging in practices that help regulate your nervous system, or finding ways to create new, positive experiences that help your brain and body learn that safety is possible.

Remember, your path to healing is uniquely yours, and understanding these mechanisms is just one part of the journey. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and you deserve support in processing them in whatever way feels right for you. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 15

When I was young (6 years old), another child my age asked me to get inside a playhouse and then kissed me and licked my mouth repeatedly during playtime. I remember feeling uncomfortable from the moment he asked me to "be mommy" and later feeling horrified. I've been stressed about this experience for a long time. Was this child-on-child sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you're describing sounds like it was deeply uncomfortable and violating, and I can understand why you've carried stress about this experience for so long. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) generally refers to sexual interactions between children where there is a lack of consent, an imbalance of power, or where one child is coerced or manipulated into sexual activity. It can also include situations where one child's boundaries are violated, even when both children are the same age. Only you can determine what language feels right for your own experience and whether this term resonates with what happened to you.

What you're sharing tells me that you felt uncomfortable from the very beginning and that those feelings intensified into horror. Those responses matter deeply. Even at six years old, our bodies and minds can recognize when something doesn't feel right or safe, and your discomfort was a valid signal that your boundaries were being crossed. At the same time, it's important to understand that six-year-olds are still in the very early stages of learning about boundaries, consent, and social cues. Young children are developing their ability to recognize and respond to other people's body language and verbal signals, and they may not yet have the skills to understand when someone is uncomfortable or to stop behavior that's harmful. This developmental reality doesn't change the impact this experience had on you or make what happened appropriate, but it does provide context for understanding that young children are still learning these essential social and emotional skills.

Regardless of how you choose to name this experience, what matters most is that it affected you. The fact that you felt uncomfortable, that you remember feeling horrified, and that you've carried stress about this for years tells us that this experience was significant and harmful to you. You don't need to fit your experience into any particular category for it to matter or for your feelings to be valid. Trauma isn't determined by labels or definitions—it's determined by how an experience impacts you. Your body remembers feeling unsafe, and the emotional weight you've carried is real and deserving of acknowledgment.

Many people who had similar childhood experiences struggle with questions about whether what happened "counts" or whether they have a right to be affected by it. The truth is that if this experience has stayed with you and caused you distress, then it was significant, and you deserve support in processing it. You have every right to seek help and to honor your own feelings about what happened. Healing often begins when we stop questioning whether our pain is valid and start giving ourselves permission to acknowledge the impact something had on us. You deserve care, validation, and support as you work through this. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 16

When I was around 13, my mother would ask me to massage her back, legs, and bottom area while she was unclothed on her bed. She would use a plastic tool with soap. I'm wondering if this was appropriate behavior from a parent, especially since I feel like if a father asked this of a daughter, it would be seen as inappropriate.

Accepted Answer

Thanks for reaching out to us. It sounds like this memory is creating a lot of discomfort and uncertainty for you, and that's completely understandable. Your instincts about this situation are absolutely valid, and I want to acknowledge how much courage it takes to ask this question. What you've described crosses important boundaries that should exist between parents and children. Being expected to massage a parent's body in an area that normally would be private can violate important boundaries between a child and an adult.

Although every family has different routines around touch, it is widely recognized that asking a child of your age to massage a parent's bare buttocks and legs crosses the line of what is generally considered acceptable caregiving or affection between a parent and child. You're right to recognize that this behavior was inappropriate. It involved unnecessary nudity and physical contact that placed you in an uncomfortable position as a child. It doesn't necessarily matter who is in the role of parent, mother or father, if the situation leaves you feeling that your boundaries were overlooked or that you were placed in an inappropriate position.

Healthy parent-child relationships maintain appropriate physical boundaries, especially as children enter adolescence. Parents should not put their children in situations that involve intimate physical contact or nudity, regardless of how it might be framed or justified. Children deserve to feel safe and respected, and that includes being able to say "no" to touch that feels uncomfortable. Being put in a position where it doesn't feel possible to say no suggests a breach of that safety.

It's normal to question this behavior, especially as an adult looking back, and to feel unsettled that it happened. If you're feeling lingering unease or confusion about these experiences, that in itself is significant and worth acknowledging. It's common for survivors of boundary violations to question their own perceptions, especially when the inappropriate behavior came from someone who was supposed to protect them. Your feelings about this experience, whatever they may be, are completely valid.

What you experienced was not your fault, and you deserved to have your boundaries respected. If these memories continue to weigh on you, it might help to talk about them with someone you trust or with a professional who understands childhood and family boundary issues. Organizations like RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) offer confidential support and can help connect you with local resources. You deserve support and clarity in coming to terms with any experiences that may have been confusing, distressing, or that simply never sat right with you. Your wellbeing matters, and there are people who understand and want to help.

Question 17

If I kissed other children without consent when I was a child because I didn't know it was wrong and thought it was normal, did I commit sexual assault? I was exposed to sexual content when young and thought kissing was something people just did. I didn't pressure anyone but didn't ask for consent either. I would just peck other children on the mouth for no reason. I'm unsure if this counts as sexual assault or childhood experimentation. I hate myself for this and feel disgusted by my actions.

Accepted Answer

I can hear how much pain and self-disgust you're carrying about these childhood memories, and I want you to know that your distress is understandable while also being much harsher on yourself than the situation warrants. What you're describing falls clearly within the realm of normal childhood development and experimentation, not sexual assault.

Sexual assault involves intentional harm, power dynamics, coercion, or actions taken with knowledge that they're wrong or harmful. What you're describing is a young child who was exposed to adult content beyond your developmental understanding, trying to make sense of what you saw by mimicking behaviors you thought were normal. This is actually a very common response when children are exposed to sexual content they're not developmentally ready to process. They often try to recreate what they've seen because they don't yet understand the context or boundaries around those behaviors.

The key factors that distinguish your experience from sexual assault include your age and developmental stage, your lack of intent to harm, your genuine belief that this was normal behavior, and the absence of power dynamics or coercion. Young children naturally explore social behaviors through imitation, and when they're exposed to content beyond their understanding, they may incorporate those behaviors into their play or social interactions without any awareness of inappropriate boundaries.

Your early exposure to sexual content was not your fault, and the way you processed and responded to that exposure as a child was a normal developmental response to abnormal circumstances. Children who are exposed to sexual content often exhibit sexualized behaviors because they're trying to understand and integrate what they've witnessed. This doesn't make them perpetrators. It makes them children who needed appropriate guidance and protection that they didn't receive at the time.

The intense shame and self-hatred you're experiencing is actually causing you more harm than the original childhood behaviors ever did. This level of self-condemnation is disproportionate to actions that were developmentally normal responses to inappropriate exposure. Many adults look back on childhood behaviors with some embarrassment or concern, but the extreme distress you're feeling suggests that these intrusive thoughts may have taken on a life of their own.

It's important to understand that sexual assault requires intent, knowledge of wrongdoing, or exploitation of power differences, none of which were present in your childhood situation. You were a child trying to navigate social interactions with incomplete and inappropriate information about what was normal. The fact that you now understand boundaries and consent, and feel genuine concern about these past actions, actually demonstrates your healthy moral development.

Consider speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood development and can help you process both the original exposure to sexual content and the current shame you're carrying. They can help you understand child development, work through the impacts of early sexual exposure, and develop healthier ways to view your childhood self. You deserve compassion and understanding, especially from yourself, rather than the harsh self-judgment you're currently experiencing. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 18

I was making progress recovering from childhood sexual trauma, but recently I've found myself regressing. I'm experiencing intrusive thoughts about the trauma, especially during intimate moments, which forces me to stop. I'm questioning my experiences and their validity, and find myself constantly ruminating. This feels like a major setback, especially since there's no clear trigger. Why might this regression be happening, and how can I maintain motivation for recovery when progress isn't linear?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your feelings. This really resonates with me and I am sure for many others who might be reading this. It's completely understandable to feel discouraged when old emotions resurface, especially after you've been making progress in your healing journey. Recovery from childhood trauma often isn't a straight line, and (while frustrating) it's common to experience ups and downs along the way.

Sometimes, distressing feelings can reemerge without an obvious reason, and that can be confusing. It's important to remember that this doesn't diminish the progress you've already made. What happened to you was traumatic and takes time to overcome. Healing is a process, and just because you are experiencing setbacks, doesn't mean you're back at the beginning.

Intrusive thoughts and ruminations can be particularly challenging, especially when they affect your daily life and relationships. Doubting your experiences and their validity is also a common response to trauma. Try to remind yourself that your feelings are valid, and it's okay to acknowledge them.

Staying motivated during tough times can be difficult, but here are a few practices that might help:

1. Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that it's okay to have tough days and that healing takes time.

2. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: Practices like deep breathing, meditation, or focusing on your senses can help bring you back to the present moment when you start to feel overwhelmed.

3. Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Doing things that bring you joy or a sense of accomplishment can help shift your focus and improve your mood.

4. Connect with Supportive People: Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups who understand and can offer encouragement.

5. Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you process them and identify any patterns or triggers.

6. Professional Support: If you haven't already, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can provide guidance tailored to your situation.

Remember, experiencing a setback doesn't erase the progress you've made. Each step, even the difficult ones, is part of your journey toward healing. You're showing great strength by acknowledging how you feel and seeking ways to move forward. You're not alone. Thank you for trusting us with this

Question 19

I'm struggling with some unclear memories from when I was in primary school and wondering if I may have committed COCSA (Child-on-child sexual assault). I have vague memories of kissing a boy without consent (a teacher supposedly saw and told me to stop) and kissing a distant cousin without asking, but these memories are very blurry unlike my usual detailed recall. I'm not sure if these memories are real or not, and I'm scared and don't know what to do or how to find out if I actually did these things.

Accepted Answer

What you're experiencing sounds incredibly distressing, thank you for trusting us with this. The anxiety and confusion you're feeling about unclear childhood memories is actually quite common. You're not alone in grappling with these difficult questions.

Childhood sexual behaviors exist on a spectrum, and many behaviors that occur between children of similar ages are considered normal developmental exploration rather than sexual assault. Young children are naturally curious about bodies and may engage in behaviors like kissing, touching, or "playing doctor" as part of normal development. These behaviors typically happen between children of similar ages and developmental stages, involve curiosity rather than power or coercion, and stop when adults redirect them.

The memories you're describing sound like they may fall into this category of childhood exploration, especially given that you were in primary school at the time. Children this age are still learning about boundaries, consent, and appropriate behavior. When adults intervene in these situations, it's typically to teach and redirect rather than to punish, which aligns with what you described about the teacher telling you to stop.

Memory is inherently unreliable, particularly for childhood events and especially when we're experiencing anxiety or intrusive thoughts about them. Our minds can construct scenarios based on fears, things we've heard about, or fragments of different experiences. The distress you're feeling about these potential memories can actually make them feel more real and significant than they may actually be.

What's most important right now is addressing the anxiety and distress these thoughts are causing you. This kind of intrusive worry about past actions is something many people experience, and it doesn't reflect who you are as a person today. Consider speaking with a counselor or therapist who can help you work through these concerns in a supportive environment. They can help you understand the difference between childhood developmental behaviors and harmful actions, and provide strategies for managing intrusive thoughts and anxiety.

Remember that your current concern and distress about the possibility of having caused harm actually demonstrates your moral compass and empathy. People who commit intentional sexual violence typically don't experience this kind of genuine worry about their past actions. Your care and concern for others is evident in your question, and that speaks to your character today. Thank you for tarusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 20

I had an experience when I was young with another boy around my age which involved guilt tripping and other types of emotional manipulation into oral sex. It really impacted me, but I often struggle with feeling like my experience doesn't matter or isn't as serious as other forms of abuse despite all the research I did on the subject indicating it was child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). How can I learn to accept that what happened impacted me and learn not to compare my experiences to others?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. I want to start by affirming that your experience absolutely matters, and the impact it had on you is valid and real. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) is a serious form of sexual violence that can have lasting effects on survivors, regardless of the age of the person who harmed you.

It's common for survivors of COCSA to struggle with minimizing their own experiences or comparing their trauma to others. Society often perpetuates the myth that abuse by another child isn't as harmful as abuse by an adult, or that boys can't be victims of sexual violence. These messages can make it difficult for survivors to acknowledge the weight of their own trauma and seek support.

However, it's crucial to remember everyone's trauma is unique. Trauma is not only determined by the events you have gone through, but also how you experienced those events and the ultimate effect those events have had on you. In this way, the severity of your experience is not measured by the specific acts that occurred, but by the emotional, psychological, and physical impact on you as an individual. Guilt-tripping, emotional manipulation, and coercion are all forms of abuse, even if physical force was not used. You were subjected to a violation of your boundaries, autonomy, and trust, and that is not something to be minimized. Learning to validate your own experiences and emotions is a process, but there are steps you can take to work towards self-acceptance and healing.

To start, remind yourself that your feelings are valid. When you catch yourself minimizing your experience, take a moment to pause and affirm your own emotions. You might say to yourself, "What happened to me was real, and it's okay to feel hurt/angry/scared/etc." You also want to challenge any negative self-talk you notice yourself having. When thoughts like "it wasn't that bad" or "others have it worse" come up, try to reframe them. Remind yourself, "My experience is not less significant because someone else had a different experience. My pain is valid."

It is also important to recognize that you deserve support and community. I would encourage you to seek support from a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual trauma. A professional can help you process your emotions, work through feelings of self-blame or doubt, and develop coping strategies for managing triggers and symptoms. You may also benefit from connecting with other survivors, either through support groups or online communities. Hearing others' stories and sharing your own can help combat feelings of isolation and validate your experiences.

Finally, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a loved one in your situation. Acknowledge that healing is a process, and be patient with yourself as you navigate complex emotions. Remember, your experience is unique to you, and it's not helpful or necessary to compare it to anyone else's. What you went through was traumatic, and you deserve support, validation, and care as you heal. You are not alone in this journey and you do not need to go through this alone. You have a community of survivors behind you. Do not be afraid to claim that as your own.

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What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

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