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Survivor story
#735
A week later
Message to a Survivor
If you are an adult who was hit at any time in your childhood - recognize that they believed they were doing so out of love and a desire for you to ‘learn’. They did not realize they were teaching you to believe that you deserve violence committed on your body. They did not realize they were teaching you to consider hitting another person as an act of love (they may have even said, ‘I hit you because I love you’). Forgive them their acquiescence to a cultural error. Forgive your parents. If you hit your kids, stop it. Explain to them that you will no longer assault their bodies. Know that they have come to experience the violence you commit on them as the most immediate and intense form of your love. They will indeed, ‘Ask for it’ with behavior that has resulted in violent attention previously because you have set that up. It will not be easy - just as it is not easy for adults who were hit to recognize the violence as an error..
My story # 735 appears to be severely edited as to be almost incomprehensible. My point was: a parent who strikes a child (at any time and for any reason and in any manner - hitting is hitting) is teaching that child that violence has a loving impulse (‘I hit you because I love you.’ ‘I hit you to teach you.’ ‘I hit you as a consequence/you deserved it’.). That parent has added violence to a child’s vocabulary of loving behavior. How is it that we think we can convince the violent adult or the adult who accepts violence done to them that domestic violence is wrong when we have supported the idea that violence teaches, can be deserved, is a consequence, and is an example of how human beings love/are loved?????? Please, demand of every organization that claims to support victims of domestic violence that they clearly state in ALL THEIR LITERATURE that striking a child at any time and for any reason IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Any and all hitting is abusive. Thank you.
Original story
I was hit as a child. I know what a reader of this post expects me to do next is add examples of what could be called ‘extreme’ violence or ‘abuse’. Most people do not equate a ‘pop’ or ‘whapp’ or ‘cuff’ or ‘slap’ or ‘spank’ with domestic violence. We should. For many of us, that first slap from a parent who believes they are committing an act of love...that they are teaching me...that the slap was a ‘consequence’ - was all we needed to find, amongst a definition of loving acts, an understanding of how a person learns, understanding of what is meant by the word ‘consequence’ is physical violence. A good many of us here were struck as children. A good many of those we identify as our assailants were hit as children. I was hit by my adult partner. Blood pouring out of my nose and onto the front of my shirt that third time motivated me to put my hand in the blood and rub it on the front of his shirt and , then, leave. THIRD TIME. We MUST stop accepting adult on child violence.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.