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Historia de un superviviente

Looking back at my teenage trauma’s!!!

Historia original

Mensaje para un superviviente

Hope is just around the corner. My dad always tells me, “Don’t stop trying, you might be just about to reach your goal.” Life is a roller coaster right? Always remember that when there is bad, there will be good again.

Mensaje de sanación

I never thought I would live to be 20 years old. Now that i’m here, I thank whatever higher power that has kept me here. Healing to me, means having our trauma glide over us, instead of locking it in the vault. Recognizing that what happened to me is apart of my life story, and there’s no reason to hide from it anymore. I am the main element of my life, and it’s just added more depth to my character. I want to be able to help young girls recognize when they’re in a bad situation, when they’re struggling to understand sexuality or what happened to them. I want the person in the back of the room who thinks nobody can see them, to know that I’ve been there. I know what it feels like to think “I don’t matter to anyone,” “I’m going to die soon anyways,” “It doesn’t matter what happened to me, ____ has it worse.” You can always dig a deeper rock bottom, it’s easy to stay there. Once you find the strength to pull yourself out of the pits of despair, you might find the light shining extra bright on you.

I’m 20 now; when I was 13 a childhood friend started to see me in a more (clearly) sexual light. I wasn’t very attractive as a child (big curly hair, acne, too tall for my age), so when he began to show interest I didn’t discourage it. I even flirted back. We met at our old middle school, once, before our freshman year of highschool. He didn’t want to look at me, he only wanted to touch me. He kissed me in a way that’s irrepetible because of how violating it was. Once we started highschool, he asked to come over to my house. I thought he was just joking because it was 9pm at the time. He took me behind my apartment complex and wouldn’t listen to me when i said stop. I told one of my sophomore friends, who reported it to the school as a sexual assault. He and I had separate meetings with the school, and our schedules were changed. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about what happened, because of how popular he was. He began going around our school telling everyone he had r***d me (he hadn’t). Then he flipped the narrative that, of course i was lying. I would hear girls talking about me when I was sitting right in front of them. I wanted my story to be heard. I wanted everyone to know what he did to me. Nobody listened. Nobody cared. Nobody apologized to me. “He didnt do it to me, and he’s still my friend, sooo….” is what I heard from 80% of the girls that I told. That experience cracked me. When I was 15, I was (ACTUALLY) r***d by a 34 year old man. I felt like I was ruined goods. I felt like nobody cared about what happened to me, nobody cared that I was so traumatized that i didn’t care if i lived or died. Later that year, I met a 19 year old who got me on fentanyl. I would overdose 4 times in front of him. After the last one, he told me I had wasted money and product with my overdose. We stayed together until I was 16.5 and he was about to be 21. He ‘cheated’ on me with a 14 year old and countless of his friends. By 17, I realized my Prince Charming was never going to come save me, and I had to do it myself. I decided to start my own life. Stop living in the past, and get my shit together. I enrolled in community college hoping to get my nursing degree eventually. Realized that wasn’t the right path for me, and now I’m 2 months away from graduating from a prestigious cosmetology school & am the executive assistant at a 5 star salon. For some of us, it’s on ourselves to pick the pieces up and put everything back together. Now that I am 20 years old, I feel that i’ve lost so much time suffering in my silence, so much youth wasted as an anxious puddle who didn’t want to be perceived. Live for your future. Live for the laughter and the smiles. Every day we make it through, is a day we accomplished. Some days will be better than others, but we’re always moving forwards, never backwards.

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